Truth Be Told

White Christmas

2011-12-23T12:51:00.000-08:00

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.. Just like the one I used to know.."

I'm in Thunder Bay, Ontario for my very first Christmas with the Junkala Clan. I feel warm and fuzzy with the holiday spirit and especially loved by all of my new family. It is also my first Christmas away from my own family as well. I have always had at least one of my family member's with me during the holidays. So I made sure, to bring along some of our family traditions.
One thing we always eat at Christmas time is Crab dip. So I made sure to buy enough cream cheese and crab to feed everyone all season long. I also bought a very expensive bottle of Bailey's for my coffee on Christmas morning. It's a must-have and I have had a Bailey's coffee on Christmas morning, for at least ten years. There's just something about the taste of crab dip and Bailey's coffee that reminds me of Christmas and Home.
It's interesting that a taste or a smell can bring me back to a time, when I had little worries. Christmas morning was magical and exciting and unforgettable. Every.Single.Year.
Of course the holidays are difficult when family members are no longer around. But, I try not to let that bring me down. It's not always easy to control my emotions. Sometimes, I just feel too much and the tears come and I can't stop. But, being a part of this family, the Junkala's is a true gift this Christmas. I never have had a problem fitting in because they are always here for me, with open arms.
This year at Christmas I want to focus on family. I want to focus on the unity of this family, with every outburst, "Where's my camera Daaaaaaaad!? to every silly comment, "Why'd he park like that?" to "Is that beer spilling out of the ceiling?" - each and every grumble, growl and giggle.
To my mama, Andrea- you give, give, give and work so hard to make us comfortable and happy all year round but especially at Christmas time. We are having such a magical Christmas, because of you and your efforts. The house looks festive and is full of yummy Holiday baking and food. Thank you.
To my dad, Rodney- you work so hard for us to be able to come for this holiday. It has been so nice, being able to come here this year, to celebrate Christmas with the families. It is truly wonderful being a part of your Thunder Bay Christmas. Thank you.
To my sister, Erin- you have a big heart and I am so happy to be your sister. I think of you as my friend, a person to giggle with and bitch to.. and someone to borrow clothes from and tell secrets to. You give me that sister feeling, I miss this time of year. I'm so happy to be here with you this Christmas and ESPECIALLY on Christmas morning. Thank you.
To my husband, Robert- you are a mixture of everyone. You are kind, giving, loving and all you want for Christmas is to see me happy here with you. I love you and I thank you so much for being my husband, so that we can share each and every year together.
So this Christmas, we have snow falling from the sky, just like when I lived back in Alberta. A White Christmas, just like the one I used to know.. with a family, as loving and caring as the one I have had many, many a Christmas' ago.

Smiles For Miles

2011-04-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

April 07, 2011 ~ another angel leaves this earth.

The lyrics " I don't understand why you do the things you do....." enter my mind. I don't know who the artist is that sings them, or what the name of the song is.. But it's the first thing I think of when I am told, that Miles has passed in his sleep. He is 4 months old and his time in this world was too short.

It is too difficult to try and make sense of a situation such as this. When children or babies are taken - there's no justification. One thing I do know- is that the world works in mysterious ways.... Things happen, for a reason.. and usually it takes a lot of thought to figure out why. Robert and I discussed the situation at length over the passed few days. We came up with this.. Miles was an angel while he was here. His purpose wasn't to live a full life, to experience how to talk or walk.. but it was to make an impact in the short time he was here. And he did.. boy did he ever. We met him once- last Sunday. I truly believe that Miles' purpose in this world, was to bring his family together. The last few days, have been surreal and unbelievable for everyone. Family has traveled from all over to be there for Miles' mommy and daddy. One thing we realized was that.. no matter what- death truly brings people together. Time stands still.. the busy bustle of life and routine are put on hold. No matter what- families grieve together- no matter the location or the cost..

Miles' mom, Coral is an inspiration. No doubt is this the most difficult thing she will ever have to deal with.. Losing a child, is unimaginable to people that haven't experienced it.. But during all of this- she talks about Miles being too good for this world. He was too good to stay.. And she's 100% right. Miles was meant to be a gift- something to cherish, and remember.. and love for always. Coral is a young soul, at 24 years old. A mother of two. A positive, beautiful, free spirit.. that sees the good in everything. She is someone I will look up to for always because of this. She is beautiful, honest and true to herself. She is loved by so many and in so many thoughts and prayers. She is also blessed with an almost 2 year old daughter, Evelyn. Evelyn is the light in everyone's day. She is the anchor, as her Grandma Lou would say. She is the sunshine that enters the room, the chuckle that follows the tears. She is too young to know that her baby brother is no longer.. But, she is the perfect solution to all of the pain. Bless her little soul.. Already she conveys the traits of her Mama.. What a lucky little lady.

Miles~ baby boy, with a smile that brightens your entire face... I hope you enjoyed all the love you felt from your family. Because beautiful boy- you were loved every day that you lived.. and every day that you are away. We will always remember you.. and we will be sure to mention your name and smile. We will be sure to tell stories of your four months here. I will be sure to remember the one day that I was with you. You were perfect, a gift.. and now an angel.

Here's to you baby boy- with every memory that comes to mind- years and years of Smiles.. for Miles..

Dream A Little Dream For Me

2011-03-05T10:14:00.000-08:00

It was Thursday morning, around 5:30 am on March the 03rd.. I woke crying, from a very real dream...

My dad passed away in July of 2010. 16 days after my wedding, and 40 years too soon. Cancer struck again.
I am having an especially difficult time dealing with his death, for a number of personal reasons. But one main reason, was that I felt like our book ended, too abruptly. I knew he had cancer, but because we had a distant relationship, mainly an over the phone kind of relationship- I failed to see how serious things had gotten. He also wanted to protect each of his children from the realities of his disease. Now when I think about it, he wanted to save us from going through what we went through with our step dad, Rudi, five years prior. I respect his decisions now. 2010 was a busy year for my husband Rob and I. We were planning our summer wedding and had our minds very preoccupied. I didn't realize how sick he was until I saw him... a few days before the wedding. It's amazing now, for me to realize that he came to Qualicum Beach at all. He traveled as sick as he was, to .. walk me down the aisle. To be there for me.
Dad disappointed us a lot in our lives. But he made up for all of those times when he was there the day I was married. He was unable to come to the wedding because he was in the final stages of his cancer. He was there on that day though, just like he is here in my heart today.

In my dream, Dad takes me into a building and says, "I'd like to be here for awhile." I follow him in and the place has a "legion-like" quality to it. There are people inside, drinking and visiting. There are also cheap casino games set up through out the room. There is a man sitting in an Oiler's jersey and I ask Dad, "Where are we?" to which he simply replies, "Winnipeg."
Now some of the details in the dream may be irrelevant. But the fact that I remember all of them, seem important to me. One very important part of the dream is that Dad is healthy. He looks good, and he is my dad again. He also LOVED the Edmonton Oiler's and the legion is a place that I remember visiting with him in, as a young child on weekend visits.
He looks at me, and says, "I love rock and roll." I reply, "I know you do..." My dad has always been a very talented song writer, musician, and singer. He was blessed with this gift and has always used it through out his life. He was an artist... and never failed to use his incredible talents.
He takes me into a side room and tells me that he is sick, that his heart is failing him and that he wants me to leave him there to die. I hug him and he tells me he loves me.. But I refuse to leave. I sit there, and watch him fading away quietly in chair. After awhile, he falls.. gently .. out of his chair and I rush over to him..
He winces, in pain.. and then looks up at me and smiles.. I am holding him in my arms when he dies..
I wake from my dream, crying .. very hard. So hard that I wake Rob.. Once I am awake, I continue to cry.. But these tears are different from the ones I have cried in the past. I feel rejuvenated.. like I've been given a fresh outlook on things..
When Rudi passed, I had a very vivid, realistic and memorable dream.. that I wrote in this very blog.

http://haleyspace.blogspot.com/2005_06_01_archive.html

( To read about my dream of Rudi-- it's titled, "In A White Haze" under June, 2005 in the blog archives.)

My dream was a gift.. a gift from my dad. He was letting me know that he is still around.. out there somewhere. His spirit is still with me, in my heart, in my head.. and in my soul. He also gave me our ending. Instead of him passing away in a hospital in Drayton Valley while Rob and I were traveling from the island - in my dream; he died, peacefully in my arms...
He once told me about the first time he ever held me.. He looked down at my sweet face, noticing my little nose, and my little lips.. He said I looked at him, and he fell in love. And then in my dream, I got to hold him in my arms, and see his sweet face .. for the very last time, in my ending, in our very own.. sweet ending.

So thank you Daddy- for sending me a message.. this gift.. I will cherish it for always.. and I feel a little healed from everything. And, I will keep dreaming.. and hopefully you can pop in for a little visit from time to time.. I will keep dreaming a little dream for you.

Our Fallen Fathers

2010-11-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Remembrance Day. Remembrance Day is a time to remember our fellow Canadians that fought in World War I and II, the Korean War and even the war in Afghanistan happening today.
I live in a retirement community. I hear the stories they casually share with one another... They ask which war the other fought in.. They listen and nod in understanding. I see what the wars have done to these people and I have learned to respect them in a special way. With this knowledge I realize that Remembrance Day is taken very, very seriously. The majority of the community lived through those wars. I'm certain they don't just think about it once a year, like so many do..
This day always means something to me because the people in our community re-live something on this day. They remember people they lost and memories they wish not to see.. I woke up, to the noise of drums in the distance. I dashed out of bed, dressed and I hurried to the end of my drive way, juuuust in time to see the parade of veterans, police officers, the cadets and legion members marching by. The bag pipes were being played to the beat of the drum and my heart swelled with patriotism, sympathy and hurt..

I am proud to be a Canadian. We are a loyal nation. We work hard, we stick together as a Country and we are there for other countries.. fighting along side them in a war that isn't even ours. I am always sympathetic to the men and women and family members and friends that were greatly affected by the wars. I read a lot of books and watch a lot of tv specials and movies.. So I believe I have an idea of what it may have been like, but at the same time I realize that I have NO idea what it was like.. My grand mother who left Germany with her husband and four boys in 1957 told me stories about the war.. Stories of anguish and struggle. It was hard on everyone, all sides of it.. So my sympathy goes out to the men and women whose lives ended on the beaches of Juno and Normandy... To the family members who received word by telegram, or from the grave look of a soldier, taking his hat off before reciting the lines that no one wants to hear. Ever.
I also felt hurt .. Pain, for myself. For my dads. My step dad passed away March, 07, 2005 of brain cancer. He was diagnosed February, 01st and taken from us just over a month later at the age of 55. My dad, that always lived away from us, but loved us just the same.. passed away on July 27, 2010 of prostate cancer, at the age of 56. He started out with bladder cancer and tried out the expected treatments for a couple of years. But, once it had spread and he stopped treatments, it was only a matter of time before it consumed him. Cancer consumes.. Takes and takes and takes until there is nothing left to take but our lasting hope for a miracle..
I was married on July 10th and my dad flew out from Alberta to be here for it. He never left his hotel room.. not once. He was too ill. He sat in a dark, hot hotel room, over looking the beach, knowing his baby daughter was getting married and he couldn't even leave his room to be there. I feel an aching, huge sense of loss with my dad's death. I was healing after five years from Rudi's death and then life threw another curve ball we didn't see coming.. and bam. Another dad. Another loss. This one different in every way from the first. All the emotions I feel.. No sense of closure. Our book was closed before it was finished. There was so much more to write... We had so much more to learn from each other. I had anger towards you.. and now, you are gone. Our story left untold..
Remembrance Day is a day to remember our soldiers. But I took it as a day to remember everyone who we've lost...
So.. Here is to Rudi Wirth, a man who loved with his whole heart. He lived each day to it's fullest.. He lead a healthy lifestyle, he loved nature, animals and most importantly his family who he saved and who saved him, so many years ago.
Here's to Bernard Parenteau, a man who always lived his life the way he wanted all along. A very talented musician and singer, full of wisdom and words to make one think. He is the father to three and to three more .. He is my father, always was, always will be.. and what would or could have been will be something I will always wonder.. as I reach my adult life and begin a family of my very own.
I will take with me Rudi's huge heart, his loyalty and his reasoning.. I will take my dad's natural ability with a guitar, his stubborn edge and his goofy sense of humour. I will work towards being the best person, wife, daughter, sister, friend and one day mother.. that I can be because of the most important men that have left me early. They will be the reason why I am good in this world..
So Happy Remembrance Day to everyone who has experienced loss. You are not alone in this world. The ones we love are not lost for good, we will find them again, when it is our turn and they will be waiting for us to join them somewhere, someday.

A Day To Remember...

2010-10-17T18:29:00.001-07:00

A Band of Promise

2010-03-28T16:36:00.001-07:00

Life As We Know It

2009-09-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon my old journals today. I was feeling ambitious and thought I'd rummage through some old stuff and get rid of it. But of course and as usual.. I opened one of my journals and started reading. I took it into the living room and read the entire thing. I have written in a journal every single day since December 30, 1996. So since then each day has been recorded. After reading the journal I realized things have changed SO MUCH.
I was surrounded with people all of the time. I can't believe how many people I surrounded myself with. Of course it's because I was still in high school and I really didn't have much of a choice. But it just occurred to me that things are so different now. I think of my priorities during this journal and my current priorities. I worried about Josh, or Nate liking me.. Will Kirk know how much he hurt me? Now I worry about how many people are going to come to the wedding, and hoping that we have enough room for everyone we care about. Work was just something I had to do so that I had some extra cash to buy Christmas presents with or to waste at the bar. Work is something I still have to do.. to pay off loans and credit cards and to put away for the upcoming wedding. I was concerned with who to take to prom and being rejected. I'm concerned that I am not as good at my job as I try to be. A good time was being told that I was hot by 3 guys at the bar and making out with one of my guy friends. Now a good time is any Friday because it's finally the weekend! and going to visit my nephew Quinn and getting to bond with him.
I enjoyed looking back at what life was like for me in 2003. But now I am where I'm at and I have to admit.. I'm pretty damn happy about it. I'm happy that I own a house at 24. I am overjoyed that I have my one, best friend to live and grow with and MARRY this summer. I feel like I am at a great place with each of my family members. My best friend is my sister. I look forward to each time I get to see her. We're crossing our fingers in hope that Kyli and her fresh family will move here sometime in the next year. Life would be ideal then.
Life is good. It's nice to look back on how my life used to be and at the same time appreciate where I came from and how I got here. I like where I am and I am anticipating what is to come for me and my future family.

Sum Up

2009-05-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

This has been by for the most exciting year for me! And for a lot of people in my life..
I don't even know where to begin...
My sister and Joe were married August 02nd, 2008. I was the maid of honour and Rob was one of the groomsmen. It felt very grown up and real being in my sister's wedding. I always thought about being in a wedding as a little girl. I don't think I put as much thought into my own wedding, but more on being in a good friend's wedding party. It just seemed like more fun to me. Rob got to meet the rest of my family if he hadn't already and we got to meet Joe's family from Nova Scotia. The summer was CHAOS but, we really will never forget the great memories that we created.
My cousin Alex was married shortly after and it had been my second wedding of a close relative. It was beautiful and the weather was phenomenal! Now Alex and Andrew have started their own little puppy family and I think they'll be moving onto the baby stage of their life very soon.
Rob and my 3 year anniversary was in October. Rob got down on one knee in our bedroom and asked me to be his wife. And I tearfully accepted. The ring, was perfect. The moment was sweet. I couldn't believe that I was in that moment. Our engagement. It was really something else to be able to tell our family members that we were getting married. A big, step into my adulthood. And it's something we always knew was coming because we both slipped perfectly into eachother's lives like we'd always been there. We bought our first house together, the one we fell in love in and had our first kiss in the hammock in the backyard. We were in our first wedding together. And now we are having our own wedding in July 2010.
Thanksgiving came and I met my best friend's baby boy Fletcher. Katie and Eric came for a quick weekend visit to catch up and for me to meet our new baby. Fletcher was so good even at 4 months. Eric proposed in our driveway while they were unloading baby toys out of the car. A perfect weekend. Oh, and Ky phoned me when she got home from the long weekend with the news of a baby on the way! Finally- a baby of our own! It was the one thing that would sum up how amazing this year has become!
Kyli has had a fairly good pregnancy. She didn't get morning sickness and I hear that that is rare in a first born. She's gained weight in all the right places and she looks healthier than ever. She is a beautiful woman. She has unique, sharp features that you'd read about in a Jane Austen novel. But pregnant, she remained that same beautiful but with a softer edge and best of all she glows. She gives off so much happiness when we talk about the baby or Joe. She is one happy woman. I'm so proud of that. Their success.
Kyli is to be induced at the end of the month and it could be so soon. I am on a cloud of urgency and anticipation for this new person in our family. I always think of how insane it is that we make people. I think of pictures of me when I was a baby or Ky and Linc. It's so old fashioned. Our parents look young and their styles are laughed at, but admired.
Rob and I get to be aunty and uncle together. We're going to be the FUN ONES! I can't wait to take that on.
My mom did move back to Alberta which was a mistake in my opinion. I don't think badly of her. She needed to get out of Errington. But, I just wished she would've looked at other options closer. Now she may not be able to be there for the birth of her first grandchild. She's coming out this summer to visit and I look forward to having her near.
Lincoln and Dad are getting together this weekend for a man to man kind of talk. Dad spoke to Ky and I about the divorce when we visited him and not in an unfair way. But in a way that we had never heard. We knew mom's story because we were raised by her and it came out here or there. But with Dad we just never asked and he never told. I hadn't thought of my parent's ten year relationship, marriage from my Dad's point of view. It just put everything together nicely and it made sense to me. I get why they decided to split and I respect it on both of their sides. It was a talk that I appreciated and I know Linc will too.
My dad and Shelley are grandparents of two babies. Shelley's oldest boy, Travis and his wife Brigette had their first baby girl. She's the light of Shelley's eyes and she calls dad Papa. Dad's a papa and it suits him. Dallas is Shelley's middle boy and him and his fiance' Nicole had a little one of their own a few months ago.
I was into my third year at Bailey's and I caught an opportunity that I didn't see coming. I got a job with a co-worker's daughter as a Pharmacy Technian. It's a huge step up from what I was doing and I felt like it was my next move.. to get a job that may lead me into a career or at least give me some better experience. It was difficult at first for many reasons, but I'm getting used to the changes and I feel like I've improved immensly.
Life is going accordingly and I am happier than ever to report that every corner feels like a new experience to document and cherish.

Symbol of Love and Companionship

2009-01-12T18:46:00.001-08:00

Our date is set.. July 10, 2010..

I don't know when it happened.. but I am this private person that I wasn't.. I prefer to keep my feelings to myself..rather than share with the rest of the world. I guess now rather than before when I first started this blog I have something to protect.. to keep to myself.

I'm getting married. It's still foreign to write or say.. I've been engaged since October 7th and I am surprised at how long it took me to share my news.. in writing. I always thought I'd be a much different bride to be than I have been so far. But I am not disappointed, just surprised at the woman I am slowly transitioning into.

I'll share a little..

Robert is unlike anyone I've ever been with. He is selfless when it comes to caring for me, in any way.
He has a very strong head on his shoulders that encourages me to go out there and do the things I fear I can not.
When I first met him I realized right away that his family was very important to him. Now after our time together, we are family and I feel how important we are to each other.

It's cliche'.. but he is the last person I see when I go to sleep and the first person I see when I wake up.. and it feels right. We fit. He fits.

I look forward to starting our life together as a family of the same name because we've been connected and "married" since the day we met.

By: Little Haley

2008-09-22T18:12:00.001-07:00

Today as I was sitting in the backyard.. taking the last sip of my Dr. Pepper.. I noticed.. the contest promotion on the side of the bottle.
I bought the pop the night before at a pop machine down the street. Usually, as a kid the very first thing you realize is the contest on a pop bottle. The sheer possibility of winning something causes a kid to choose that very pop instead of a preferred flavour. It struck me as odd that I hadn't noticed to "look under the cap" for so many years.
Does this mean that I am too grown up and busy with life to notice these sweet pleasures I once enjoyed as a kid? How many caps have I failed to look under to see if I was a grand prize winner of a new Hybrid or a free pop?
As a kid I couldn't wait to grow up. I day dreamed about living with my "husband" in our very own home with a set of twins under my arms. Now, it seems as though I reminisce about road trips with my family. I was always the last to choose my place in the van. I got whichever seat the older two didn't want. I couldn't wait to have my own vehicle, one that I would drive and not have to worry about my seating. Now, I get into an empty car.. with my head full of groceries to buy for the next week, making sure not to spend too much so that we'll have enough for the mortgage payment, or insurance for the very car I now own.
I miss my adolescence. I miss the care free nature I once bestowed. I miss being a family.. Mom, Rudi, Kyli, Lincoln and I all together in one space.
I'm going to take the neglected bottle cap as a sign to see as a child sees. To appreciate the little things in life, that so many adults fail to. I want to embrace that crazy, hippy kid inside.. the one that wore red and green plaid suspenders to school..with a red turtle neck. I'm going to eat a bag of chips and not feel guilty. I'm going to jump into a pile of swept, drying leaves this fall.

My point- peek under a cap and see if you won. My cap said.. Sorry Try Again. And.. I will.

Ladie's Night

2008-06-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

I was on the phone with my best friend the other day. She's seven months pregnant with her first child. So you can imagine the conversation we were having. I love picking her brain about her pregnancy because I've always been fascinated with pregnant women and the whole process of it. It's remarkable really and it so happens that my best friend of all time is going through it, and I can ask her anything I want without offending her! So I do - all the time!

I happen to be approaching a milestone of my own right now. Rob and I were informed last Sunday that our land lady is interested in selling the house that we're living in right now. Lucky for us, she asked if we'd like to purchase it privately first. So we've been going through the process of realtors in and out of the house all week. I know that Rob has been taking on most of the stress and he is about to shut down very soon. I feel bad that I haven't had to take on as much stress as him. But we live in a retirement community on the island and where we live it is very difficult for a young couple like ourselves to purchase anything in town. The house we hope to buy is on the main street in town and if there was to be any expanding, this would be the next street to start. So - the property could be worth a considerable amount more than it is now.

I was telling my girlfriend about it when I realized that we were both in the middle of doing some really important things in each of our lives. She's bringing a person into this world, which is HUGE. I'm getting my first ever mortgage with my sweetie. Mortgages, Babies and the only one left really is.. Marriage! Then she realized, my sister who is more like my best friend here is getting married this August. So we're all doing the three biggest things in our lives, just in different order! I thought it was quite the discovery and it just got me thinking.

My sister is happily engaged to her fiance' and they have yet to buy a home. But I know that they're really gearing up to do so. Once Rob and I do (hopefully- he's on the phone finalizing some things right now!) buy a house, we will be able to give my sister advice. My best friend already bought a home, so she's giving me advice and getting me really excited. My sister can give me advice about marriage when the time comes and once I am married I can give my words of wisdom to my best friend. It's so important to have contact with other women in our lives.

I had the day off and I never get weekdays off. So Rob wasn't home and I had the house to myself. I sat in the living room in my robe, drinking tea and I watched the movie, "Too Wong Foo Judy Newmar Thanks for Everything" It's a crazy title, but the movie is about three drag queens that go to a narrow minded small town and have a huge impact on the people in the small town. Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo and Patrick Swayze play the drag queens. It's a very cute show and it has a really strong message. You need friends in your life. No matter who you're married to, or how busy you feel.. Other women are a need. I know that I feel really alive when I'm with a group of women. I think that's why people love Sex and the City so much because it's empowering to watch. It makes us all long for the same friendships if we already don't have them.

I have one best friend that lives in Alberta. She has been my rock for at least the last nine years. We were pals when we first met in grade two. We had play dates and later on when she moved into my neighbourhood we were always spending time together. But we didn't get really close until highschool. That's when we needed each other the most. She has been there for me for so many BIG DEALS in my life. I hate to say it, but I've had quite a few BIG DEALS in the last nine years! I can only hope that I have been as good to her.

My sister is my true best friend in the sense that she's always been there, literally. Always. Now that we live near one another again, we have rekindled our relationship and I see her at least three weekends in a month. I really cherish our time together because we have so much fun just by sitting beside each other while watching t.v. Nobody knows me better than my sister. So having her in my life is imperative to my very survival!

My mom is also very important in my life for obvious reasons. She's my mom. I'm a total mama's girl at heart. So I feel like I need to have her near me. Sadly she's moving to Alberta this summer. She dropped the bomb on me this morning, that she bought a house today. Wow. Rob had a good point when he said that it's upsetting that she's going to be gone. She definitely made us feel safer, knowing that she was just a ten minute drive away. She was our security if we were ever in a bind. But, that's why it's even more important for her to go. We need to let each other go because we've relied on each other for so long. She leans on me and I like knowing that while she's around I can lean on her. It's healthier for us to be apart, at least that's what I've been told. She'll still be there, just not as close by. Time to cut the chord !

We need our ladies in our lives. The friendships that I still have in my life are there to help me grow, to learn.. to be. So this is a tribute to the best of my best.

These Days

2008-01-20T18:32:00.000-08:00

I neglect to write... although I have the time to do so. I just choose not to. I'm not hiding. But I do feel like I need to put more of an effort into my writing. It's what I've always wanted to do. But something has been holding me back. I have a sneaking suspicion it's me. My insecurities, my lack in effort.

I find that in the last little while I've lost interest in doing a lot of things. I am not depressed, no. Today for example it was a beautiful January day. We woke late and I made a nice breakfast. After the dishes were dealt with I was thinking that a walk outside or a stroll through Cathedral Grove for some pictures would be pleasant. Rob had to stop at a music store first and we waited in front of a "Back in 5 Minutes" sign and all I wanted was to get back in the truck where it was comfortable and warm. My intentions are always good. Yet I never seem to follow through with my ideas. I don't like to be cold or uncomfortable. Call me picky.. I know I'm better in the warmer months. I do like to be outside when the weather is better. But I wish that I could be more like people that bundle themselves up to go for a day long hiking trip.

Another part of me just thinks... I am lost. I don't know who I am. Or... I do know who I am and for some reason it isn't good enough for my personal standards. Or.. I'm not trying hard enough to be a better person. What I do know is that I'm confused. I am quite content with staying in doors reading a favourite book. I'm even more content with having a bottle of wine with a friend in the comfort of a home on the weekend. By friend I mean sister or cousin. I don't have too many friends out here still. Again I think that has to do with my lack in effort.

My days have been filled with work and later on - spending time with Rob watching our favourite t.v shows. We sound 80.. But it's what we like to do during the winter months. We kind of hibernate on the weekdays. On weekends we either have my sister and her fiance' over... or we go to Victoria and visit them. On more rare occasions we spend time with my cousin and her fiance'. But really- that has been enough these days.

I've been reading more than ever lately. I probably go through three or four books in a month. We just bought a sturdy, handsome book case. I'm really proud of it. I've always wanted one for all of my treasured books. Each time I finish a book, I put it back in it's proper place and study the rest of the shelves for a new story. Rob and I went to a used bookstore that we discovered beside the music store today. I bought three books and we were rewarded with two more for free. It was fun looking at old books and it's something that I'd like to do again. That actually got me excited. I feel limited with things that I like to do. So this was one more thing to add to the list.

I haven't been up to too much. But I'm okay with that. Winter will be over soon and the months leading up to summer time will be very busy. I'll look back in August wishing I was here in January contently reading my used books in front of my personal, little library.

Bluster of Thoughts

2007-11-04T13:22:00.001-08:00

It has been a long time since I posted. I feel like if I had any readers at all, they have all probably given up on me. Thinking that I have finally abandoned my keyboard once and for all. But that's not me. I have not truly stopped writing. I just haven't found the urge to write in my blog. It's not like there isn't a million different things that I could write about. My life has been busy and full of events. I guess I just haven't chosen any to write about just yet. As I sit here, Sunday afternoon, the sun is peaking through the half drawn curtains behind me. I still have no clue what my topic will be today. I do know that I am sick of seeing the same post every time I go online. My blog is my homepage and the last time I posted was I believe late August.
My sister is getting married, my step-brother and his wife just had their first baby last month. My good friend from work quit and moved to the mainland, leaving me feeling a bit alone and sad at work. Rob and I purchased an expensive, wonderful t.v the other weekend to add to our slowly growing collection of household items. My mom broke up with her boyfriend and my brother and I patched up any differences that we were having in the past. An entire list of events have occurred and yet, I don't feel the need to get into any of them.
I don't have writer's block, I have writer's procrastination. I feel like there is so much to write about that I won't be able to cover everything.
I was watching a television show called, Rescue Me. It's a really dark, but clever and humorous show about the firefighters from 9/11. There's a part where the main firefighter is praying to God to keep his daughter alive. He says, "Now I know I haven't been the greatest.. But if there's one thing I would pray for.. it would be to help me out here. Please, please keep my daughter alive..."
I don't know if it was the music playing, or the setting of him in the candle lit, gloomy looking church but I got really upset. I actually yelled at the t.v. "Yeah, it doesn't work!"
Even the outburst doesn't make much sense once I think back to it. But it was the idea of the man begging God to keep his daughter alive. Asking for just that one thing... I was saying it doesn't work because I remember doing that for Rudi when he was sick. I darted out of the room, face full of tears and I dropped beside my bed facing my night stand and I cried. Of course I didn't allow myself to cry for very long. Not even long enough for Rob to notice that I was upset.
I don't really have a point to the story. I just wanted to share it. I'm doing well when it concerns Rudi. It's just strange how someone who used to be apart of my everyday, doesn't really fit into my life right now at all. Kyli and I did something kind of crazy the other night. We had been drinking and we just finished watching my favourite British show called, "Most Haunted". We made our own Ouija board out of paper and a soap dish. (don't ask!) We attempted to contact Rudi on it. The experience is personal and I still don't know how I truly feel about it yet. But it was interesting. It left me feeling... like I wanted more. Like I'd like to get together with her again and try it out one more time.
I guess how I'm feeling is normal. I just miss him. It's Mom and Rudi's 19th Wedding Anniversary tomorrow. I'm just reminded of him every once in awhile. I think of him, less often than I used to. But I don't feel guilty about it. But I certainly do notice when I think of him these days. I think what I need is to sit back and dedicate some time to thinking about him. Allowing myself to feel however it is I feel at that moment. I need to just stop. And think. And not avoid what I am feeling.

A Book To Ponder

2007-08-28T16:45:00.000-07:00

"Angela's Ashes" is a well known memoir written by Frank McCourt. It was made into a motion picture in 1999 and many people have read or at least seen the movie. I haven't seen the movie and I plan on it once I've finished the book.

I always read on my lunch break at work. Since my sister let me borrow her seventh and final Harry Potter novel, I have been saviouring each word during my evenings in the comfort of my home. At work, I am constantly interrupted and I can only read for so long. So I am reading two books at the moment. The book "Angela's Ashes" aside from being well written and easy to get lost in, is such a distressing, raw tale of a young boy and his poor family struggling to make it in the world. They move from Boston trying to escape their poverty there after a sibling passes from hunger. Ending up in pre-war Limerick where it proves to be even worse for the family. Frank's Northern Irish father is snubbed and refused work because of where he's from. Not to mention each time he does get some money in his hands he hurries off to the pubs to drink it all away.

Sometimes it's hard to eat while I'm reading what kinds of conditions that they had to live in. The story has really lingered in my mind. I am still reading it and I can't help but think of those boys from time to time. As a kid I had so much and in comparison I was a total brat. Things have changed so much. Parents were so strict long ago and now when I see what kids are like, it's no wonder the old lady behind me is shaking her head. I understand why older folks look down on children now. Some kids are amazing and polite. But to be honest, children are little, brats that have cell phones at eight. I hope to raise my children in the times obviously. I won't refuse them television because young Frankie McCourt didn't have one back in Limerick. But, I want my kids to understand privilege and to be thankful for things, big and small.

This story has even made me look at myself and how I have everything. Some arguments with Rob are so petty when I think of Mrs. McCourt sending her two boys in and out of pubs to find her drunken husband that's drank all of their dole money away. Some people have everything and others have so little. I know that's how the world is, but I just hope that the people that have so much, the privileged, wealthy ones really look at how lucky they are. I'd love for everyone to have to read this book and see how fortunate they are.

As I was walking home from the gym I was thinking about how sweaty my feet were in my running shoes and my mind trailed back to the book. Most kids didn't have shoes at all and I know that most people have at least two pair. I am already so prosperous in just what I have right now. I do want more in my life, but at least I am in a place and time where I can yearn for more.

So now when I am feeling bored, or angry I can stop and question my feelings. I can think about people that are less fortunate and remember that things can always, always be worse.

Glancing at the Path

2007-07-30T23:47:00.000-07:00

Reading back into my blog I found some pretty intriguing posts. Back when I referred to Rob as *Him or *He. It's cute how coy I was being even in my writing. I'd play with idea around but before I introduced *Him he had to someone who was going to be around for a while.

It is clear that we're still new in my writing. I don't mention him in every post but when I do it's special. Reading the stories about him bring me back to those times. We were still such a fresh couple with insecurities and feelings held back just in case it didn't work out. But now everything comes naturally. It's nice to see how far we've come every once in awhile.

Today I went with him to one of his "odd jobs." I've only gone with him twice before today but to be honest, I go because we really bond on a totally different level. We're working with someone else but we're kind of buddies too. He is always including me making sure that I feel important too. Like today we had to pack acrylic molds into boxes and organize them in a shed. Rob made sure to give me a job while he packed the boxes. Once I was finished taping boxes together, I handed him the heavy molds. It wasn't fun, fun. But it was spending time with him in a different way. We were explaining to the lady we were helping that we've been together for two years and have a house of our own. She seemed impressed and surprised even. I like thinking that Rob and I really doing something big with our lives at our age. I know that a lot of people move out with loved ones, but it is such a huge step, a commitment. I know that we aren't ready to get married but I also know that marriage isn't too far off the path either. That excites me more than I thought it ever would. Rob is everything I ever wanted. He loves and respects me so much. He is proud of me and is the first to tell others about something I accomplished let it be big or small. And I really look up to him. I'm so proud of the work he does. He's so handy to have around the house, fixing things here and there.

Already we are like a married couple. So this way we'll know each other truly when we are wed.

A Growing Family

2007-07-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

An entire month full of family and friends, love and joy has gone by and I choose now to finally write about it. There's only one excuse for my lack of writing and that is because I have been so busy. I've been bombarded with friends and family. But I am glad that we had such an eventful time.
First of all Rob's folks arrived with Uncle Pete, Erin and her buddy Alex in tow. They were here just after July 1st. We had a full house for nearly a month. Like I said, I did enjoy the noise and busy bustle of our house. The weather was really fantastic for everyone as well. So it felt like I too was on vacation while everyone was here. So much that I haven't been going to the gym. ( my only downside.)
Erin and I got along magically. We did before but we misunderstood each other. I wasn't sure that I could be honest with her without her being upset. She taught me to be honest, not to hold back to be polite or because I was afraid of how she might react. She gave me some balls so to speak and I will be forever greatful. The girl taught me a life lesson and I will always remember that.
Sam and Ryan Rhodes ( now, hehe.) were married on July 07th. It was a great wedding. It was so laid back and relaxed. Sam and Ryan really are a couple that represents the miracle of love so sublimely. Their love for each other is something else, something that not all married people bestow. Their faces lit up whenever they saw each other that day. The reception was a lot of fun. There was live music which involved an impressive number of Sam's family and herself. She has the most poetic lyrics and her voice is unique and calming. The wedding experience really was one of my favourite parts of my summer so far.
My birthday was July 16th and I turned 22. Last year Andrea had a big birthday bash for me. So this year we decided to have another one. The yard was cleaned up and Aunty Lou's creative decorating stood out for all of my guests to see. Joe and Kyli came out for the night for me and to see Rob's family again. I was touched by the outcome of guests and how much they all cared to come and spend my birthday with me.
This month has been fantastic. My mom and I have grown apart, but closer all at once. We understand each other a bit better now and we both find comfort in one another. I am happy with her new life and she with mine. Kyli and Joe are getting married next summer!! Joe asked her on July 6th to David Grey's "This Year's Love". I get to represent my sister by being her Maid of Honour next year as well. Lincoln will be in the wedding and so is Rob! We were so excited when Joe asked Rob because we didn't think he was going to. He hadn't said anything about it and I didn't want to push. Even though I really, really did! Our family is growing. I wish Linc was more involved. I wish he could move here and start a new life like all of us got to. My dad is cancer free ! His results came back and there shouldn't be anymore treatments. We'll see how he's doing when he gets his next check up.

Robert and I are doing fantastic. We have grown up significantly since last summer. We continue to and I look forward to seeing how far we've gone in another year's time. Talk of marriage isn't something that we are putting off. We are both grown ups and know that it will be happening in our near future. Not in the next two years, I imagine but soon after. We have other things to focus on right now. Rob's Odd Job business is going well. He fixes odds and ends for people all over our town. They hear about him from other people that he's helped and we get random phone calls for him to rid roofs of moss, or to put in patio stones. I have gone with him a couple of times now. I have earned the name Handy Haley. Handy Haley and Odd Job Rob. How cute. I never thought that I'd actually enjoy helping him out on these jobs, but I do. They're interesting and I get to use his tools. It's cute and fun doing new things together.

In a nutshell, in a few hundred words or so that is what I haven't been writing about. Hopefully I don't wait as long to write another.
Summer time when the livin's easy..
The family- minus one Erin and one Lincoln.

There's Erin- at the church.

Mr. and Mrs. Rhodes

The newly engaged goofs.

Loving at the Wedding.

Peace Of Mind

2007-06-18T00:17:00.000-07:00

Today is Father's Day.

Likely that I would think of Ruder. And I did.

Last year I put together a message in a bottle. Rob and I took it out to the ocean so that I could send my message to Rudi. I threw it weakly, and the tide was crashing in so it came right back to me. I didn't feel good about it so I summed that up as a sign and took the bottle home with me. There it sat on top of the kitchen stove.. for one year.

I had every intention of sending the bottle out once I felt ready. I wanted to make sure that I could let it go. Allow my symbol of Rudi out, without me clutching to it in a sense. The idea floated in my mind all day.

After work Rob and I went to an early movie in Nanaimo. On the drive home Rob played great tunes that put me in a calm mood. Once we were home I reminded him of my hopeful trip to the ocean. I changed into something I thought Rudi would like.

Rob took me to a nice secluded spot that we'd visited before. The sky was just about ready for lights out, but not quite. There were cruise ships glowing in the far distance and the waves were crashing on the shore. The wind was strong, but warm. It was a perfect place, a perfect setting for this special act.

I stood up on a rock and let the wind whip and swirl through my skirt and hair. I stood there listening to the crashing of the waves and the calmness in the wind's voice. He was there. All around me, in everything. The wind, the water, the sky..

When I felt ready I walked towards the water..let the liquid rush through my shoes and soak the bottom edges of my skirt. As I kissed the bottle and held it close to my heart I knew that I was ready. Ready to let him be free. Without any question or worry. He's okay. He's okay because we are. I know that now. I can let Rudi's death go.. allowing all of my fears to float away into an endless sea.

As soon as I let the bottle slip out of my grasp I felt sad.. but not the usual kind. This kind left me feeling at peace. I wasn't ready to let him go last year, it just didn't feel right. I needed to hold on just for another year. I'm glad I did. Today means a lot to me. Rudi doesn't have to feel like his death is holding me back. From being happy. From loving freely. From living my new life.

Happy Father's Day Ruder. You are always with me in my heart- in my love for others and in the way that I live everyday. You are my lesson learned, my inspiration and most importantly you are my daddy. And you always will be.

Write Me A Story Little Girl

2007-06-13T18:00:00.000-07:00

As a kid I used to always play business.. Which included mom and Rudi's junk mail... an outdated daily planner from Rudi's work and lots of "Weldwood Pulp Mill" paper. Kyli used to play too which always made it more interesting. Her pretending was so grown up and believable to me. She was a whole whopping five and a half years older than me... So everything she did in my eyes was better.

Today I got home from work. The house was all clean and supper was made and cleaned up. So I was in pretty good spirits. I got to hold my favourite baby Judah after work today. Annette came in and I held him while she ordered some coffees and put them in the vehicle. He's an absolute doll. I feel like after I held him, I had my baby fix for the week. He just relaxed me so much. Rob was in the computer room making cd's. So I pulled my new laptop out of my new laptop case Rob bought for me! I hooked everything up at the kitchen table and I got a drink and my glasses and set those beside me. I felt like that little girl about to play business again! I told Rob, "you honestly made my dreams come true just by buying this for me!" It's true. There's so much potential that lies in this computer. It's that extra oomph to get me writing. It's the subtle voice of my subconscious whispering ideas into my thoughts. I love it. I just have to get on writing something, rather than in my blog. Every time I get that itch to write I write a blog. There's nothing wrong with it- but I really would like to get started on something, anything really.
So instead of being that 21 year old pretending to be a writer, I can actually do the real thing. And get on it!

Laughter with Love

2007-06-07T21:17:00.001-07:00

Supper tonight: BBQ'd Smokies,Corn on the Cob, Potato Salad and Iced Tea! Rob looks very into his dinner...doesn't he?

There is fun in the air.. Rob and I are just a bunch of goof balls. We are just ourselves and I think that we bring out the crazy in each other. I am sure all relationships are kind of goofy. But I think we have more fun than most!

We keep things interesting and when we're with friends we make sure to keep our guests comfortable and to show them a memorable time.

We had Dan here again for the weekend. He seems to have a great time when he comes here. The boys are sure to always have fun because they've been best friends for a long time. So they have that history plus they are both completely retarded. Seriously. Some of the stuff that they will do when they're together- is quite hilarious.

My point of this blog is that in any relationship it has to stay fun and interesting. Always have fun and life can be amazing. Laughter is the best way to live through life. Laughing and enjoying the people in it.

So here's a look at our life lately..

Dress up time! Holly and Dan were over.. We
were all drinking and the boys dressed up stupid..
so I wanted to join in too. Don't forget me!

Today- Rob got me to time him... to see how fast
he could eat his cob of corn! (Less than 30 sec..)

2007-06-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, so much to say... and so much to show..

But as for now.. I am sitting in my living room, on my couch typing away on my BRAND NEW laptop. How did I get a laptop out of nowhere...no extra money in the present, past or future...

Rob's friend Dan is visiting this weekend. These two get together and jam their asses off. Rob taught Dan how to play guitar back in the day. So when they get together they live to play. Rob went to pick Dan up from the ferry this afternoon and I was just sitting at home, hot and bored. The weather has been phenomenal for the last few days. I love getting off of work early, but if I don't go to the gym before work these days, I find that I won't end up getting my ass there in this intense heat. So the boys get here after five.

Rob asks me to help him take his tools to the backyard. I'm sitting in the living room a little puzzled...in a new summer dress. I think that he should've asked Dan for help. But I shrug it off and follow him outside. He asks me to bring a flatter box I've never seen before into the house. At first I thought it was an X Box. I discovered Guitar Hero the other weekend and fell in love with it. So I thought Bob bought us one. But I was sincerly mistaken. It was THE gift I have been waiting for for Years!

I saw the little diagram of a laptop on the box. Even Dan said, "You knew what it was..it's like you were acting dumb..like you didn't know what it was.."

That's the truth. I had a feeling, once I saw the picture on the side of the box. But I just couldn't accept that I finally got one!

Writing is my passion, something I've always wanted to do. Now that I can just sit in bed and write whenever, where ever I feel like... I have no limits and most importantly NO excuse to not write. I was born to write...and here is my real, big chance.

When I opened the box I was in utter shock. Rob was so excited about it. He said that it was supposed to be a gift for my birthday but now it wouldn't be. He wanted my birthday present to be a surprise and knew it wouldn't be if it was the lap top I was hoping for.

I can write .... And I've never been so excited about writing like this in my entire life!!

Write on- and believe me, I will..

My Now Time

2007-05-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

As for today I feel like I am frozen in time. I went to the gym early this morning, before work. I don't know what's up with me lately. Either I'm coming down with something or I just feel shitty enough to not go to work. So I phoned in and have a full day all to myself. No work. No cleaning up. No nothing. This is my now time.

I get to sit around and think about what is to come this month. Our weekends are filled from here on out. The beginning of summer is practically here. It was 20 last night, which is pretty damn warm for us these days. I am beginning to remember what it is like to have those hot summer nights again. I'm really looking forward to the warm weather. I feel like it is so anticipated all year long and now that it's finally coming everyone is eager to get their flip flops on and their jackets off. Last weekend it was supposed to be record highs. But it was cool, windy and overcast all day Sunday. I noticed that people had high hopes and still wore their sandals, shorts and short sleeved shirts. That's how I feel too. I just want Summer to get here and stay. Goooood summer...that's it.. STAY.

This weekend is still up in the air. But it is a possibility that Rob will be getting his upper body painted for a possible celeb-sited /funky party in Vancouver. Rob a model- who would've thought? But I think it has potential of being a complete blast. Rob's cousin Sam does an amazing job Body Painting for various parties and get togethers all over Vancouver. So this will be a great experience for me to get to see her at work. She's also getting married in July, which is another written off weekend this coming summer.

Rob's 23rd birthday is the weekend after. Kyli and Joe are coming for that. They'll be coming camping with us for Saturday night and then up early for some surfing on Sunday morning. Rob has high hopes that I'll really enjoy surfing. I certainly hope I do too. As long as he doesn't push too much, I should be okay. For some reason, if he's too hopeful and expectant I usually disappoint. So we'll have to wait and see.

Mother's day was kind of a flop. Rob and I kept busy, but I had really hoped to see some of my mom. She did a surprise ten minute drop in at 8:00 when we were watching a movie. It was really nice to see her. I was surprised at how bummed out I was not having seen her on mom's day. I got her a really nice card letting her know that I want to see more of her basically, because I do. Now that she's doing so well, she's a tough person to get an appointment with! My entire family is hard to get a hold of these days.

My dad has been really great this year. He's really pulled through on the whole Being My Dad. I guess it wasn't his time to shine when I was growing up because I had Ruder. But now that I don't..he's stepped up to the plate with every intention of good. He's doing well and I really feel close to him more than ever at this point.

As for the rest of my day off, away from work and life.. I think I'm going to waste it in our newly dressed bed. Bed in a Bag; $140.00 Just perfect timing..nice cool, crisp sheets to slip into..while I watch the Price is Right..and other day time t.v.

Time stands still for a few more hours, before Rob is home from work.. before any interruptions. I get to lay in bed thinking about what is to come. I need this time to prepare for a very busy summer.

Kissin' Mom on Mom's Day.

Dad- jammin'

Question and Answer.. for the bored.

2007-04-22T16:39:00.000-07:00

Well I highly doubt that anyone will have the time to read through all of this petty stuff. But it's a Questionaire type deal that I got from Holli's blog. She's a sweetie and I enjoyed going through her answers and figured that I'd have some fun doing the same. The last couple of questions made me think and those were my favourites. I doubt people care if I like Sprite or 7Up more, so I may have skipped a few. Enjoy if you dare to read..

What is your name spelled backwards? Yelah. Like Old Yella, but that was a really sad movie. Has anyone actually seen it? I've only heard of it and how terrible it is.
What did you do last night? I was a bit hung over from Friday night at Bobbi and Ken's house. So Rob had an old friend over and we watched about three straight hours of UFC fighting. I fell asleep from a long hard day at work, hung.
Have you ever licked a battery? Yes I have. It feels strange and shocking almost. Why, because my brother and sister told me to.
How many cars have you owned? I have owned 2 cars. The Honda that lasted one month and my Pontiac Sunfire that's currently parked because of a battery failure or an alternator mishap.
Type of music you dislike the most: I'm going to say girl rap. The stupid girls that have those whiny voices and they think they can sing and rap.. Oh my stop them now.
Are you registered to vote? I am not sure. I know I didn't when I could've. So I'm thinking not here in Qualicum, but I did in Hinton. This question seems more important for everyone in the U.S. Changes are needed big time. VOTE!
Do you have cable? So many people make me look bad because they don't have cable. "I don't have time for t.v" Well I DO! I love it.
Ever made a prank phone call? Probably, but it was most likely too stupid and immature to mention proudly.
You like anyone right now? I don't usually do these questionaires on my blog. This is why. It's so petty to ask a 21 year old if she likes anyone right now. Yes, I like my boyfriend that I live with.
Would you bungee jump or sky dive? I'd like to say that I would. But I probably wouldn't. I'd have the worst stomach ache from nerves before the jump that I'd be stuck in the bathroom unable to come out.
Furthest place you ever traveled? The south. Louisiana. It was wonderful and I'd love to return one day.
Do you have a garden? No. Well we do have a yard and there is definitely room for one. But I do not find one teeny bit of interest in making one.
Do you know all the words to O'Canada? If I didn't I'd be an idiot. Who doesn't know their national anthem? It's important to know I think. Unless you're too little..or not from here and still learning.
Shower morning or night? Always at night. I never shower in the morning unless I'm on one of my days off. I leave myself very little time for getting ready in the morning.
Best movie you've seen in the last month? Bobby. It was emotional and kept me interested. Oh! Band of Brothers, the mini-series. WOW what an amazing series. Everyone should see it.
Best pizza topping? If from Pizza Hut : ham and pineapple.
Popcorn or chips? I love chips, and am cursed with that craving every night of my life. White Cheddar popcorn that comes in a bag is amazzzzzzzzzing too.
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? I have never met anyone that has been in one. Do those people exist in Canada? It's not really big here, or at least in Alberta or B.C.
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with? Well this is a funny story. I was on my lunch break and this random guy sat down with me. He seemed really nice but it was just so bold of him to assume it was okay to sit with me on my break. So I just talked and ate my meal and threw in that I had a boyfriend and kept it friendly. Once I was finished eating, I cut my break a bit short and excused myself, shaking his hand. It freaked me out, I am not used to being approached like that.
Orange juice or Apple? Hang over: Tropicana Orange. Any other time: COLD apple.
Fav. chocolate bar? I am a chocolate nightmare these last few weeks. I finally stopped. But there was a definite week or two that I ate some once a night. Those chocolate crunchy eggs at easter got me.
Who is your longest friend and how long? I have friends. But I'd have to say for my most successful friend .. would be Katie. We met when she moved to Hinton.. we were in grade 2. 1992 I believe was the year. 15 years.
Last time you ate a home grown tomato? NEVER. blech.
Have you ever won a trophy? I've won medals but no trophies.
Last thing you bought at a store? Well I didn't buy it. But I was with Rob and his money is my money, soo...it was an ax for camping at the Canadian Tire.
Ever thrown up in public? Yes. I was in grade 10 at a New Year's Party. We were all out of town squeezed into a huge garage. It was loads of fun. But I remember I started smoking cigarettes that night. I mixed that with booze and I was puking into the garbage can in front of a couple. My best friend's older brother and his girlfriend at the time, I believe. Haha. They were snobs, so I still don't care too much!
Would you prefer a million dollars or true love? I'm going with money can't buy you happiness. Lame I know. But I believe it. Where will Paris Hilton be without a family to love her when she's 80.. still loaded, but with no one to share it with.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Sure, I bet some people have experienced that. In our case, it didn't happen. But all of a sudden, Rob was just there right in front of me. That's when I realized I wanted to know him.
Can exes be just friends? With time and most likely when children are involved. No kids, why be friends? Old feelings are always around and I just think it makes things complicated.
Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't like hospitals, for reasons.. But I think I remember it being Rob's sister Erin. She turned out okay, but it was scary.
Did you have long hair as a kid? Well I did for awhile. But mom cut it as short as a boy when I entered grade one. Then we just let it grow.. and grow.
What message is on your voicemail? I don't think anything for me. My mom's been the pits lately and doesn't phone me anymore. It used to be her. Oh my cousin Alex very excited telling me about her new job.
Where would you like to go right now? Hmm somewhere warm. Rob has the window open and the cold air is coming in. My hands are freeeeeezing. Maybe somewhere exotic with my honey. We need to go on a romantic vacation because we have never before.
What was the name of your first pet? Well technically Charlie, our dog was around before I was born... So I'm going with Doodle. My hamster that I named after my grandpa. He was always doodling around, taking his time. Hamsters don't do much, so it seemed fitting. He was also cute like my grandpa.
What's in your backpack? Another odd question.. But Rudi gave me one of his Weldwood work back packs he got for being safe at work or something like that.. I usually have my running shoes inside, with a tampon half hanging out of it's package, haha.. My MP3 player and... a sweaty towel. But for now it's empty.
Last incoming and outgoing number on your phone? Incoming was... Grannie telling Rob that the roof he fixed was leaking. She's just kidding and wanted to mess with him. Outgoing was my sister. I phoned her to see what she was up to and if we could feel around to see if her and Joe were going to be going out. If so we were going to spontaneously drive there for the weekend.
What is one thing you are greatful for today? Having a roof over my head. A nice one, a comfy one that people come to visit and feel like they are staying with a laid back aunty and uncle. I like knowing that we have it well. I love our house when it's all tidy and Rob and I can lay on our couches and relax.
What do you think most about? How my life will turn out. How everything I am doing right now, ultimately effects what I'll be doing next year, and the one to follow. Now that I am growing up I realize that I have started living my adult life. That scares the hell out of me and it excites me. I look forward to buying a house, and getting married and having kids. I want to see my babies .. I want to meet them and soon. I look forward to my life to come and I think about that often.

Easter Spirit

2007-04-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

Ohh Easter went so well.

Rob and I had Easter at our house again this year, but this time it was just the two of us. That made it really special.

Saturday night while Rob was glued to the hockey game, I made up little rhyming clues to put everywhere in the house. I bought him candy, chocolates and a Toronto Maple Leafs fleece blanket. We had a fire in the backyard after the game and while he was outside, I weaseled my way around the house, hiding clues and presents. He had no idea.

Easter morning came. I woke up excited but knew that it was too early to wake him. I looked over towards his side of the bed and he was laying there looking at me. Haha, I guess he was ready to get up after all. He was excited because he had a basket with a note from the easter bunny and a wee bunny sitting there beside the bed ready for me to go on my easter egg hunt. I knew that he hadn't gotten me anything for Easter but I didn't know that he was going to use the easter kit we received on me. Even though I knew where everything was hidden I too enjoyed following him to each and every clue. We were showered and fed by 9:30 just in time to head to Parksville for church.

Yes, I said it; church. I went to church for Easter this year. I never go to church period. But I have never gone to church for any other reason besides funerals. So this was an interesting experience for me. I am familiar with the Catholic religion because I grew up going to a Catholic Elementary School. I didn't like it in school because it wasn't really my own choice. I just went because that was the school that my mom chose for us kids. I didn't enjoy religion class and I hated going to church. I was kind of a wuss. The Jesus on the cross after being crucified always scared me. It was life size and hanging on the wall and I just thought it was so terrifying yet I couldn't keep my eyes off of it. I was just bad at going to church, I'd get light headed and want to pass out. After awhile, I think I just stopped going.

But my experience was so much better this time. I went to a Christian Church for my dad when I was in Drayton Valley last. That was too much for me. I didn't enjoy it because going to church there is more like a way to meet people. All of the young people swarm around you and want to know who you are. It's nice but a little too much all at once. In the catholic church, it's more layed back. There are a lot of older people there, all dressed up in their Sunday best. There was an old woman beside me singing in a pitchy, old fashioned voice. It was wonderful. Babies were crying and their moms were running them out of the side doors to shush them. A little girl was singing hymns at the front. The priest had a thick Russian accent and it was hard to understand him, but it was so old fashioned that I felt really comfortable. He wasn't preachy like my dad's pastor. The people didn't stop and introduce themselves when they saw us coming into the church for the first time. Rob was right. The catholic church is very personal. People aren't all over you making sure you're going to come back. They leave it up to you and that's what's best. I personally feel like it is my choice if I want to come back without coaxing or pressure of any kind.

After church we went to the grocery store to pick up our ham. We made deviled eggs out of the boiled eggs we painted the night before. We enjoyed our feast together and curled up on the couch under comfy blankets later. It was a success and so far it was my favourite holiday that we spent together. I liked it more than Christmas which I can't really believe.

I also think that I may pursue going to church again. I won't go to please Rob or for anyone else. I will go for myself. I believe in God, casually. But I have been feeling spiritual lately and I don't mind hearing stories that make me just think. I don't mind re evaluating how I live my life. I don't mind hearing people singing to old fashioned songs. I think that if I want to go again, I will. If not, I won't. But as for Easter, I will be going back each year because I really enjoyed it.

Better Days

2007-04-02T12:33:00.000-07:00

My favourite moment in a day is when I am completely at peace with my life. As I walked home from the gym the other day, I felt that. I was listening to a beautiful song on my MP3 and I was walking in the sun and the breeze was cool but not steady. I was thinking to myself how amazing my life has become. I look around at the full green trees in the sky and the new flowers blooming. It's almost like the first scene where Dorothy sees colour in The Wizard Of Oz. It's like I haven't seen colours like that since before winter. The sun is beating down on me as I walk and I can't get the smile off of my face. I turn the corner to my street and I see my bright orange house sitting there waiting for me. It's comforting and I remembered thinking, I have to write about this feeling.

Well it happened again the other night. Rob was soar from packing loads upon loads of bundles onto the roof he was working on. I was soar from returning to the gym after my holiday. We walked over to the pool which is about a two minute walk. We sat and cooked in the hot tub. We didn't last long, but it seemed to relax our muscles just enough. As we left the civic centre, we were embraced by the moonlit darkness. It felt like we were on a spotlight as we strolled back to our home. There wasn't a breeze to chill us and the temperature seemed just right. We joked about how we didn't even have to look to see if cars were coming as we crossed because Qualicum is so quiet after 6:00. We love our little retirement town. It's perfect for us. For the most part, there isn't any trash walking up and down any streets here. There isn't litter or dirty roads. This is a beautiful place to live.

As I walked home today from the gym, I was chilly and the wind was a bit more demanding of my attention. But I thought about how fufilling it feels to be responsible for looking and feeling good. I remember being 16 and looking great. But I ate badly, my sleeping patterns were off the wall, I drank too much with my friends at parties and I never even thought about exercising. So I was probably pretty unhealthy. Now that my body is letting me know that I am getting older and skinny isn't something I just get to have, I have to work at it. I like having to go to the gym and work at my appearance. I have to work for a nice, toned, healthy looking body. There's just so much more honour and commitment in that. So for me working out isn't only about looking better. But it really is for me, to know that I am doing something wonderful for myself. I am healthy and in doing so I am happier person for it.

A Place I Used To Call Home

2007-03-26T15:52:00.000-07:00

It's been too long.

I got back from my trip to Alberta on Friday. Before I arrived on Friday I was worried about fitting back into my schedule snuggly. As soon as I was in Rob's arms at the airport I knew that everything would fit back into place quite nicely.

My trip was something that I needed to do. I really wanted for so long, to go back to where I'm from. Go back to my roots; country music, lifted expensive trucks, drinking with old friends and visiting with family. But, once I arrived I felt an emptiness that nothing could fill.

First we arrived in Edmonton and stayed with my brother and his girlfriend Jess. They live in a penthouse on top of the Northgate Towers. It's more like a bachelor pad, but it's familiar and I feel fairly comfortable there. We did a lot of dining and drinking while we were there. Lincoln's birthday was that Thursday and we went out and saw lots of old friends of Linc's. The only thing was that I took about seventy pictures, all of which I deleted by mistake before I had the chance to save them. But the night out was a lot of fun, except for the giant drunk fight my bro had with me later that evening. I would rather not get into it, because there's just too much to say and so much that I can't make sense of.

I went onto Drayton Valley with Kyli to visit our dad and step mom. That was a great visit because we got to see lots of family. Dad and Shelley truly are great hosts. And for the first time in a long time, dad really seemed to take on his role as "dad". It was very comforting knowing that he was there and willing to do anything to make our stay a good one. They were great and I am very thankful to have them in my life.

Next I went to Miss Katie's humble abode. Her boyfriend Eric and her live in a "chainsaw massacre-like" small town in the middle of nowhere, haha. But it is quaint and cute all the same. The weather was a factor in my stay in Peers. It was cold and snowing so I think that's why Peers didn't seem as welcoming. But they should be very proud of themselves. They have a wonderful little home and are a very happy little couple. Katie had a room for me that didn't have any cat hair in it, which was puuuurfect. Hehe.

We went to Hinton, where we grew up together. I got to see Carmelle, which was so nice. I pretty well haven't heard from her since I saw her last. So it was refreshing getting to be around her again. I visited with Katie's mom and step dad Dwayne and then later on her dad Gary. It was so nice walking into her parents' homes and having them know me and want to chit chat. I'm not used to people knowing me here and the familiarity was also very comforting. The weather sucks in Alberta and I forgot how unwelcoming the bare trees are, but those mountains painted forever in the distance were breathtaking. I embraced them so much more this visit. I never ever appreciated them when I lived there. But now when I see them I feel happy knowing that we were fortunate enough to live around them for as long as we did.

Our Hinton night out was a success! I saw many old friends and acquaintances. I felt like a million bucks and was just thrilled to be able to tell people that I was living on the island with my boy. Let's just say that I saw the right people and I had a good time.

But, having said all of that. I was so thrilled to come home. This truly is my home and I belong nowhere else now. This trip made me feel more fortunate for what I have. I feel blessed to have been sent this way and I am very pleased with the path I have chosen.

Re-takes of our first part of the visit in Edmonton
Luckily it was our first and last part of the trip.

Us in front of our very first house in Drayton!

On the way to Hinton. Look at those mountains!

It was fun..haha.

My drunken buddies!

No Time To Do Nothing

2007-03-08T18:31:00.000-08:00

There's been so much to keep me busy these last few weeks. Even if my life doesn't feel all that exciting and busy it is time consuming. Being me, is a lot of work apparently.

I feel like I work a lot, like most people in the world. I spend another chunk of my "after work hours" at the gym running. But lately I have been skipping a little. I still go at least three times a week. But I do feel a bit guilty. I come home from work, go straight to the gym and then when I get home.. Rob's looking at me to help him with dinner. So I do, or I don't. Then there's possible hostility from him if I don't. Haha. It's just easier to help and then.......... I get to shower.. Then and only then, do I usually get to relax. Of course, I'm not complaining. There isn't a whole lot going on every evening, but it just seems to take up so much time.

We had a spontaneous adventure to Victoria one Saturday after work. We just spent one night there having a few drinks at Ky and Joe's apartment. Sometimes we just need to get out of this little town.

Alex and Andrew invited us to Andrew's place to join them in a turkey roast. Their friends were there and we met a few people. I had a good time because it was so much like back home. There was a big fire in the backyard which is pretty well all bushes. He lives out of town a bit and there aren't a lot of other houses that close by. It was nice to do something different too.

My mom and I have patched things up which is always great! We are learning how to deal with the new in our lives with better attitudes and fairness.

Yesterday was a dreary day for the family. Lincoln sounded down and of course mom was a bit too. I didn't get to speak with my sister but I can bet she probably wasn't having the best of days either. Rudi's been gone for two years now and it doesn't feel like it and yet it does all at the same time.

I miss him but in a different way. It's not as fresh of a loss. So I guess I am getting used to the fact that he is gone, more and more. There is a lot of new going on in our lives lately and that is helping me to move forward with everything.

I'll never forget Rudi, ever. But I have learned to live without him indefinetly. And for the first time I don't feel guilty about that.

We started out with just the two of us when we
moved here and lots has changed since then. But
really, in the long run, it's still the two of us....

Here's To You

2007-02-14T19:20:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day.

A day to be bitter or involved with all of it's ribbons and hearts. I for one choose to be into this day because I am very much involved with my boy. He was on my mind all day while I worked. I watched old couples pass by the shop and it made me curious. How long had they been together? They must know each other so well.

Yesterday an old man stood proudly next to his little lady. Just before I asked him what he wanted, he snuck in a little peck on her little white head. It was the sweetest thing I have seen. Older folks don't seem to show their affection as much in public. To see it was really something else. My heart warmed at the hint of this man's love for his wife.

I only imagine what Rob and I will be like when we're dried up and gray.. We'll be cute I think. He is very affectionate towards me. I, for some reason like to keep my cheek kissing or lap sitting for in our own house. I don't like to be public with my love and I think that's fine. I do like to show him a little extra once in awhile at the grocery store or at the mall. I'll put my head on his shoulder or give his sides a little squeeze just to let him know that I know he's there..

Today was a good day. Rob has made me really realize that the two of us are a little mini family. We will grow on it one day but for now it's just the two of us. My family is scattered all over. I don't want to get into mom but she's off doing her own new thing, with her new and exciting life. She's happy and I'm leaving it at that. I really feel like I am now apart of my own family more than ever.

So Today I celebrate candies, hearts and ribbons.. for my mini family..

Here's to you and me kid!

He said I bring out the kid in him.... I think so too..

Chinese Food and 5K under my Belt

2007-02-11T14:38:00.000-08:00

For the passed week or so I have had this 5k run on my mind. There's an admission fee of $10.00 and that money goes towards cancer. So Bobbi and I decided to go for it. It's good exercise and we'll feel great about it once we're finished.

Saturdays are usually my "Friday" because my days off are Sundays and Mondays. So I have usually had it by Saturday and come home to veg out and be lazy. When I got home I guzzled down a Dr. P and indulged in a plate of QF Chinese Food. QF is our grocery store and they make okay Chinese food but it almost always makes me feel crappy after. I downed it and thought about how much I wish I hadn't. I knew full well that I had to run the next morning but I just didn't seem to care at the time. All night that food was making me feel awful and I was beginning to get a little worried that I wouldn't do as well on my run.

Well I woke up a few times before I had to really get up and get into my running clothes. Bobbi was at the house by 8:30 and we were both sprawled out on my living room floor stretching out our legs. It was really fun. There were probably about forty or more runners. There were kids that looked like they were quite recently pulled out of bed to participate. There were the hard cores, with their tight spandex pants and expensive matching running shirts and flashy Nike shoes. There were chubby ladies that had no intention of running, which was perfectly fine as well.

The count down was over before I knew it and we were all off. It was a beautiful run. We ran through the walking trails and we were completely engulfed in the tropical like trees. Bobbi pointed out the trees above us and how they looked like green lace hanging over our heads. There was a faint mist of rain which was perfect for our sweating bodies. We did it. We ran 5k in thirty seven minutes and seventeen seconds. It was a wonderful feeling. I was overjoyed and felt so proud that we had done it. I am not huge on hugging but as soon as we crossed the finish line I jumped up and grabbed my aunt and gave her a well deserved hug. She's 47 and none of her other sisters would be caught dead out there running like that. We did it.

5k isn't that bad. (3 miles) I thought it would be horrendous but it was nothing close to that. I bet we could do 10k if I avoided the Chinese Food the night before and she avoided the beer and nachos.

I still can't believe I did something like this. I love this new feeling, this new passion to push myself..

Look at my slit eyes..I'm pretty beat..lol!

Run It Off

2007-02-05T11:43:00.000-08:00

I just got home from the gym and I couldn't feel any better than I do now. I remember September 07th, I wrote a post saying that I wanted to start working out my body. It was just an idea that I truly didn't think was going to stick. Like my journal, it has stuck. I was eleven years old on December 31st, 1996 and I vowed to my best friend Morgan, that I was going to write in my brand new note book I bought, every day until ... forever. Of course, a lot of kids say that. But here I am ten years later still writing in my notebook every day. So hopefully in ten years I can look back at this moment and realize that I did it.

I really want to be fit because it makes me feel great. People do drugs to get this incredible high and I exercise. It's tough to describe this amazing feeling, but all I know is that when I finish my run on the tread mill and I am really excited to work on my arms, or back, etc. I think the weights really are my favourite part. I remember being a little girl, sitting in Rudi's arms. I promised that the minute I could get into the gym with him I would. At five I promised and at twenty one I am keeping that promise. Even if he's no longer with us, he will always remain strong in my heart and especially when I am working out. I can just see him smiling.

I took some pictures of myself posing, haha. I felt kind of stupid doing it, but then I decided that I wanted to take these pictures to keep track of how my body is doing. In another month I'll take the same pictures and compare to see how much I've improved, or haven't. I still have Rudi's pictures of him at competitions. He's a monster! I think of him a lot these days. What would have been his 57th birthday is on Wednesday. This is two years since he was sick. This month is a difficult one, but instead of being negative and feeling sad and sorry for myself I am going to work harder.

Aunty Bobbi and I are signed up for a 5k run in the Qualicum Woods on Sunday. It's for cancer and that was the key word to help me agree to it. My real Dad Bernard has cancer and is still getting treatment for it and my Ruder had it and it ended his life. So I will run for him and for my dad. I will run against their struggle and fight with it. I won't stop .. I'll just keep thinking of him..

Young Guns

2007-01-22T12:03:00.000-08:00

Mama is going to be 50 on Thursday. Wowsers. To me, 50 isn't even old though. Like I've said before 50 is the new 30 these days. I look at it this way, if someone dies at 85 it's kind of okay. He lived his life, and 85 is a decent time to die. But when a person goes at 55.. it seems a little early. Therefore, 55 isn't old.

Mom had no idea that we planned a surprise birthday party for her. Unfortunately none of us got any pictures of our house all decorated. I told her that I wanted to spend the night at her house Saturday. But I phoned at 4 to tell her that my car died and Rob wasn't home to take me to her place. She came right away, expecting nothing. Especially since her real birthday isn't until Thursday, she probably hadn't even thought about it yet. She was so surprised. She kind of just stood there with her mouth open.

We had a birthday tiara and a birthday girl pin. We had streamers and banners, balloons and a cheap pin the tail on the donkey. She drank it right up. We had her tonic water and flowers to smell and grapes to eat. She was like a hyper kid that was fed lots and lots of chocolate. She was off the wall excited. But it was her night and we let her loose. We had reservations at a fancy restaurant for 7. Her and I went back to her place so that she could get really dressed up and shower. I made her a cd and played it for her while she got ready. I felt like I was at my girlfriend's house, rather than my mom's. A lot has changed. Some for the good and some for the bad..

We had a nice dinner and mom kept "cackaa ing" like Ellen (Ellen Degeneres Show) in the restaurant. Like I said, she was really excited. My sister and Joe came from Victoria so she was really pleased that they came all the way for her. The food was great and we got some pictures taken outside on the patio.

All in all she deserved the treat and on her actual birthday I am going to spend some time with her. I took the day off so that she can have me all to her self, if she wants.

Happy 50th mom- you're not gettin' old, you're just gettin' started.

Rob and ma

The girls- with Alex. We've salvaged our
relationship and are getting along wicked good
now. She's my gym partner.

The Wedge

2007-01-08T14:06:00.000-08:00

It is funny how one day can change so much.

Yesterday Rob and I went to mom's to take down Christmas for her. There has been some mention of her having a friend in her life lately, but nothing serious. Apparently it is a bit more than what I thought. He has come for a couple of visits at her house and one visit to Nanaimo to pick something up at the Canadian Tire.

It is true that I was very open to all of this in the beginning. I think it is good for her to have found a companion, although she has been told not to get into any relationships until she has hit her one year of sobriety. But I know she has a good head on her shoulders and knows not to get too serious this soon.

I somehow figured out that I knew this friend of hers. He happened to be a regular at my coffee shop. I was delighted trying to figure out by his name who he might be. At first I thought of a sweet man that comes in early in the mornings and is always polite, calling me by my name. But as soon as she said "painter" my heart didn't even sink, it started beating violently in my chest. I couldn't sit anymore, I needed to get out of her observing eyes. I started pacing out of my own control in and out of the kitchen. The Painters! There is an older man that comes in with his son and they are known for hitting on anything with a pair of tits. His son isn't bad but it is him that makes everyone uncomfortable with his inappropriate comments. I couldn't believe it was HIM. It was confirmed and my mind has been made up.

I am not a close minded person. If anyone was to know this information ahead of time it would be me. I just can't say that I am not completely disappointed with the end result. I was hoping to meet this new guy that peeks mom's interest and instead I have already met him in a number of occasions. I have brought him his breakfast and served his coffee, watching him tip with inappropriate comments and his lingering eyes on anything that moves. Urrrggh. It makes me shudder thinking that this is her new friend.

I researched it a little by asking one of the ladies I work with what she thought of the "painter guy". First thing she says, no hesitation, he's a bit creepy. Then she goes on to tell me her inappropriate story of him. Of course being as it was a recent encounter, I tell mom.

She phones to tell me that he feels really badly and is apologizing to this lady at work. Big deal. I don't care about her. I care about my mother and her feelings. She shouldn't be getting involved with a man with a wondering eye and perverted comments. I know that I am going way off at this point. But I can't help but not care.

Every time she mentions his name I shudder. I don't like it. I hate this feeling. This better not be the beginning of something horrible. I have seen these kinds of problems on Oprah or Dr. Phil. "My step daughter is keeping my wife and I apart. "

I already feel like she's taken his side over mine and that he is the wedge between my mom and I . I haven't phoned her back because I don't know what to say. That has never happened and I have him to blame for that, and I hate that too. At this rate I'll never like him.

He has zero room for error now and as far as I am concerned he better be thinking up some classy, GENUINE way to woo me like he has mom.

Square Box Of Fun

2007-01-02T17:14:00.000-08:00

Fun.

That is something I want to be apart of even moreso this year. I want to have more fun, with the simple pleasures in life. I don't know what it is about me, but I feel like half the time I'm not feeling up to a lot of things. Or I don't want to, I'd rather sit around in the comforts of my home. I am not lazy. I work my eight hours a day, forty a week usually and come home to go for my run, usually. Lazy people don't go for runs. At least I don't think so. But, activity wise, I need to buck up.

Rob and I are eachother's life. We have a couple of friends but we spend most of our time with eachother. So after awhile, we run out of things to do. I need to do more. Step outside of my comfort zone. Here I had thought I conquered all of that. But really I know I haven't. I want to be more adventurous, fearless. I can't really imagine being a fearless person. I bet it would be so refreshing.

The guys off of Jack Ass 2 aren't people that I necessarily look up to usually for .. anything. They're ridiculously entertaining, but I don't aspire to get to where they are. Johnny Knoxville is a fearless son of a bitch. He will pretty much do anything. I am not saying he is the smartest guy but he is afraid of nothing. He will look a bull right in the eyes and stand there waiting to see how badly it will hurt him. I'm sure his mother has already died of a heart attack after seeing some of the stunts he's pulled. But he has something that I don't have. Pain doesn't scare him like it does most. That is a big reason why I don't do a lot of things. Of course there are other reasons.

I don't like being rejected, or put in uncomfortable situations. I don't like to stay out too late when I have to work in the morning. I don' t like driving somewhere if I have never been there before, especially at night. I am a big wuss. I am afraid of everything it would seem. I have already quit smoking now for.. four months and started being more physical and eating better (not lately, but I am getting there again.) I will shoot for doing more. I want Rob to be able to ask me to go do something at any time and I will answer with a "Yes, let's do it. " Let's face it life is by far too short to be afraid of everything.

I asked Rob if he would go pool hopping once when we went by a really nice house once. He said yeah like it was no big deal. I would NEVER do something like that. What if we got caught? What if the people that lived there caught us and they were regulars where I worked? What happens if we got arrested? I'd be too embarrassed. I'd feel like such an idiot. Blah blah. I know that it's good to be responsible but only to a certain extent. A young lady that used to work with me was about 17 and she sounded like she had never done anything bad. Not really bad, but even a little bad. She didn't even have the curiosity to go out and drink a beer with a friend or stay out later than she was supposed to. She was way too responsible for her own good. All I wanted to do was corrupt her, just a little bit. Well I am sure that there is someone out there that looks at me and thinks the very same thing. I am a little too square sometimes. I need to unwind and do something I wouldn't normally do. It would be thrilling and certainly make our lives more interesting.

I want to do things that make me happy this year and I want to try new things. That is my goal for 2007; to quit being such a Haley about everything and have some damn fun!

See- this girl HATES fun. haha

Nearing the end.. and the new.

2006-12-26T23:01:00.000-08:00

The time has come for Christmas to be packed away in old, worn out boxes for another year. My mom's decorations were covered in what used to be known as candy canes. Apparently the weather is so hot here that in the summer, the candy canes melted all over the sad, traditional ornaments. Oh well. A sticky Christmas never hurt anyone.

I always feel pretty bummed out around this time of year. The Christmas Burning Log is replaced with infomercials on Channel 4. The Christmas trees lose their festive appeal. Before when I looked at my tree I thought of excitement, a symbol of our first Christmas spent together. Now I look at it, a bit trashier than I had anticipated, with the chunks of tinsel and old fashioned ornaments. A symbol of something else to put on my to- do list, along with GO BACK TO WORK AND MAKE MORE MONEY. I don't think that I am really broke, but I certainly am feeling a bit of pressure, knowing that rent is due fairly soon.

2007 is right around the corner, and I am not so sure how I feel about it. I mean, it's just another year. Like every other year, it comes and goes. But Rob made a valid point. 2002 sounded okay, along with 2005 but we seem to be reaching 2010. Twenty ten. It just seems so futuristic. Again- I think about how far along we've come. Fifty years ago people were putting clear plastic, coloured sheets over top of their t.v screens to make it look like they had coloured t.v. A woman I work with told me that the people's faces would be purple or green, but it didn't matter because she and her sisters felt like they were watching coloured t.v.

Rob bought me a MP3 player that holds 250 songs and picture files. I know there are Ipods that hold up to 3000 songs and I can't get over how teeny tiny these mechanisms are. I don't even think I know 1000 songs! Like I said, we've come a very long way.

I've also come to find that I am really beginning to grow up. I think I thought I was so grown up even a year ago. But there is so much more that I don't even have a clue about yet. It drives me crazy that people could point me out and say; "she has nooo idea. " But it is very true. Take a look at my blog for instance. I usually only blog when I have gone somewhere, like a pub and took a bunch of drunken pictures. When really I should find time to write all of the time about very casual things. I am quite young still and I know that. I am allowed to be. But at the same time I look forward to being wise, knowing more. I am always going to look forward to experiencing more of this crazy world.

Without experience, I don't exist.. I like life lessons even when they're tough. I know that I am not necessarily prepared for all that I am about to experience, but I welcome it with open arms. I accept this life and hope to get as much out of it as possible.

**Some pictures of my Christmas:

Rob put out cookies for Santa and sugar for his
reindeer. I was unaware that reindeer eat
sugar, but now I know..

Earrllllly Christmas Morning..

Christmas Eve and our "excited faces".

Somehow he looks more convincing.. Man- He's
such a cutie...

Busy busy

2006-12-20T16:19:00.000-08:00

Party Time

2006-12-06T17:54:00.000-08:00

Part 2- Saturday

Originally we were supposed to go to Victoria, but there was a snow storm as rare as they come here on the island. We drove for nearly two hours and were sent right back where we came from. We were turned around on the Malahat because it was closed. We cancelled our hotel in Vic and made one in Nanaimo. No harm no foul.

We had a really good time. Parker picked up as usual. Dave laughed a lot, as usual. Rob had to stop me from stealing the tambourine from the band, haha- as usual. I am not a crazy tambourine theif. But I do like to take things when I am drunk. Don't ask. It's who I am.

I took the liberty of playing the tambourine for the band because they were in my reach (purse) for the second set. The band thanked me after and told me that I did really good. Haha. The boys danced, as I entertained. It was another good night with the Thunder Bay boys.

Part of the band

In my glory..

Parker taped HIS beer to my hand..

Fake boob grab. Come on, Rob's taking the pic!!

The boys posin'.

Party Weekend- Part 1.

2006-11-28T15:47:00.000-08:00

Part One- Friday Night

I have been a very busy girl lately. Rob and I had some company over the weekend. His friend Dave was coming for a week and we had hoped that his other buddy Parker would join. But he declined saying that he couldn't afford to come and our timing was pretty bad. So we gave up on him. Dave arrived and we had a couple of quiet nights, going to a pub here or there, not getting too crazy.

Parker phones, saying he in fact CAN come and is trying to book a flight. Our hopes were high as he phoned to let us all down. No money, bad idea, never mind. But we know Parker well, and the boys WAAAY more than I. We told him that he needed to be here, to share this Island Experience with us. And that was all it took really. Less than 24 hours later, he is sitting in our living room, hittin' p's. So, our weekend sloowly unravels.

I invited a co-worker, Holly to join in the madness. She was happy and eager to come with us. I haven't had a friend come and party with me for quite some time, so I was pretty excited about it as well. She came around 8. Myself and the boys were already deep into our alcoholic bliss. No, we were well on our ways though. After some guitar playing, hair straightening and a few more special drinks later, we were on our way to the Rod and Gun.
We had ourselves quite the time there. We basically turned that bar upside down. I think the band had to turn their mic.s up so that we could hear them sing! (not really, haha) The bar was pretty quiet when we first arrived and I think there is nothing wrong with the five us taking on full credit for getting that place hopping! I was drunk. Okay, so was Holly. She was falling, I was holding her up and we were dancing. No one could stop us from dancing, not even a few falls on Holly's part. One even caused her to limp the next morning! But NO, we danced our little hearts out. If you asked us what our favourite song of the night was... we wouldn't remember what songs were even played. Haha. I smashed a glass with my hand. I am french, I speak with my hands! I was hanging out the window at the bar, picking flowers out of the flower pot and sticking them in everyone's drinks. They were pretty, and added to the "appearance" of the drink. Needless to say it was a lot of fun. Fun I haven't had in quite some time.

Me and the Boys

Much later at the bar, with Rob and Holly.

I love you .. I love you too.

Us allll night.

Looking a bit Done.

Underdog....

2006-11-10T18:28:00.000-08:00

I started my writer's workshop on Wednesday. I got my notepad and pen, my chair and reading glasses all in the room with me. I sit down with every intention of doing nothing but my very best work. I loved it. I certainly am learning valid things about writing. I also feel great doing it online because of the fact that I am anonymous. I am not focused on how nervous I would be if I was in a classroom around strangers, critics.. I am comfortably in my own house, safe in a room with the heat up and a candle lit. I feel more at ease meeting my classmates online, through their own writing. We comment and read on to the next classmate and I find myself completely involved. I love that.

Today was my second lesson. It was all about detail. I must say I learned very much from this lesson. I am always the kind of reader to skip over paragraphs of overly desriptive parts in the books that I read. But today I learned for the first time how to describe things. How to write descriptively without being matter of fact, or boring. I liked it. We had to light a candle and write about it in one paragraph. Keeping in mind what we just learned about description. I wrote it out, feeling a bit sick to my stomach, hoping it is the best piece in the class. I carefully put my arrow to Submit and clicked, with one quick motion of my forefinger. I read on to find my classmates had a whole other idea of this assignment. Perhaps I failed to recognize that describing the candle is what was most important. I liked my piece because it was unique, but at the same time, less descriptive in comparison to my classmates. Boooo!

I asked Rob to sit and listen to three samples, one being mine. I told him to tell me his favourite, even if he knew it wasn't mine. I told him to be honest and that I wouldn't mind. I left mine for last. He liked the first two because they were brilliant. But he knew mine was last, saying it was good. I felt as I read my work outloud,that my voice began to quiver, as doubt took over my thoughts. I wished suddenly that I had not asked this of him, that he didn't even have a clue what I was in here writing about. I take criticism of any kind the wrong way. I can't help it. It's like being jealous. Jealousy is an ugly emotion. It causes people to say irrational things, to burst out in tears or in anger. I felt like my reaction to Rob's answer would be like this. When he told me that mine could've been more descriptive because that was in fact what the class was all about today, I felt myself shut down and I turned my face before it turned red. Saying that I needed to check my e-mail and then I'd come out of the room. I feel like a fool. Even though I am sure he doesn't.

I feel like the underdog, already. For once in my life I am doing something that I want to do in my life. I am completely into it and focused on bettering my skills. But at the same time there is a sense of competition, to be the best, or at least one of the best. My competition is pretty intense. I have so many people in my class that are parents, retired grandmother's, business owners, stay at home mother's, you name it! These people are from all over the world and seem to carry loads and loads of more experience than me. Although I am aware that this is for me and not for me to compare myself to grandmother's or retired teacher's.

This experience is already worth the $169.00 that I spontaneously put on my mastercard! I am having a lot of fun writing of course. I am also enjoying my classmates comments on some of my work already. I have to wait for the comments on my candle piece to come.... I am anxious, nervous and a little shakey of what everyone will think. But it's also exhilerating. I suggest that some of you bloggers might want to check something like this out. It's really good for a writer, just waiting to write...

The Wild Flame

I breathe in and exhale and I notice the flame peaking out from within the candle is thrashing wildly. Why is it that every time one is lit, and the lights are turned off a feeling of calmness and peace take over my body and mind? I feel relaxed and at ease, as the pale pink wax glows in the dark. The flame violently whips in all directions and it leaves me to wonder what caused it to do this. I am completely alone in the room and have not moved. Perhaps a candle is used for more than just light or decoration. Maybe it is a way of knowing that I am in fact not alone. There could be beings or lost souls swimming in and out of each room, each house. Only passing through, causing the flame in my candle, my source of light and comfort to quiver..

A Lasting Glow

2006-10-30T11:38:00.000-08:00

Lately this is how I feel; the world is mine to do what needs to be done. It doesn't matter if it's doing things to make others happy, or just spending quality time with my family, making new memories to cherish. I am really content with my life right now.

Rob and I did a good deed this weekend. We flew my brother Lincoln in from Edmonton to see our mama. Mom is doing well, but she really needed to see him. She misses him truly. So this visit was a complete surprise to her. I wish I could put the video on my blog so as to share her reaction to my brother sneaking up along side her, pretending to be a stranger. It was so amazing to help make someone that I care for over anything in this world; that overjoyed.

It is also nice to be around family again. I think that Christmas isn't just my favourite time of year because of the presents, but because of the family that I am around. My family isn't just the best because they're my family either. We are so much fun when we all get together. Our chemistry is just perfect when all of us around each other. The best part is, is that we found partners that get along with everyone just as well. That is how I know we are all going to end up with these awesome people in our futures. Jess, Joe and Rob all get along wonderfully. This was the first time that Jess and Rob met, but they seemed to hit it off perfectly.

The picture symbolizes the sense of freedom, of completion that I am feeling this morning when I woke up. My guy cleaned the house up while my siblings and I went to my aunt's last night to party and eat great food. As I woke up not remembering much of last nights retreat to bed, I looked at the house and it was neat and tidy. I told him that I didn't expect him to clean up but he did anyway. So I woke feeling great about yesterday, in a place that I didn't have to worry about cleaning. My morning has been spectacular. It's been for me to catch up on the weekend's results and to gather my thoughts about it. Hence, why I feel so good I bet.

Mom is looking so outstanding these days. She's lost 15 pounds and she's a renewed woman, so much that she's glowing in all the pictures that we took. My mom is someone very special to me and in putting that smile on her face yesterday, I too feel that good

Comparisons

2006-10-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

One year from October 20th-- my sister's birthday. It was the first time that Rob met Kyli and Joe. We like to call it their anniversary. Rob and I had only been dating for... a couple of weeks. We decided it was time for him to meet my sister and her ..ahem, boyfriend Joe.

Joe and I looking nice...a year ago.

One year later..looking okay.. I could be better.

Smoochin' her sister..nice BOOBs and double
chin!

We look better a year later..haha

Joe loving me.

Joe still loving me.

Rob and Haley's first picture...

Rob and Haley's most recent picture...

Weekend Carvings

2006-10-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

Pumpking Carving -again.

Last night we decided to bring the kids out in ourselves and carve some pumpkins. Rob of course carved the intricate ghost ship and I chose the five pumpkins stacked on top of each other. It was quite entertaining. I even estimated that it would take Rob from 7-10 to finish his pumpkin. I was exactly right too. Mine took about two hours. But we had a nice time sitting side by side in complete silence for a few hours. We were concentrating so hard that we forgot to even chit chat to one another. Finally I noticed once my pumpkin was complete that we probably hadn't spoken in two entire hours. Haha.

Friday nights with Rob and Haley are spent studying our carving kits and stencils to ensure that we make the best damn pumpkin anyone has ever made, instead of socializing with the friends that we don't have. Nah, I thought it was fun. Rob and I never go out because this place isn't for that. Qualicum was featured on the news the other night as the the place to retire in Canada. It is the #1 place for retirees to finally park their rv's and settle down, with an eternity of golf and chatty senior groups everywhere they look. It's paradise for oldies, not so much for us who are just starting out in life.

Friend wise, we don't settle. It's like going on a date with someone. We always are looking out for the other person's faults and reasons why that would bother us later on in life. Also there are two people to please rather than one. Maybe our friend expectations are too high. I guess we're looking for friends like our own. But those friendships were established over years and years. I met my best friend Katie, when I was in grade two. She was probably six and I was seven or eight, depending.. Rob met his friends when he was around that same age as well. We share the same stories because we grew up together. It's much more difficult doing that now with people. We're working on it. I am not being too picky, really. I've got my eyes out and maybe that's the problem. I wasn't looking when I stumbled upon Rob. He wasn't either. Once we stop looking that'll be when we find some good friends.

My brother and his girl are coming for a short lived visit this weekend. I am really excited. He was needed in the family and so we got him here. I think he's a bit surprised that we did this much to get him here but he's thrilled as well. Again we await their arrival today. This time I know what to expect and I am not at all nervous. It's my family. I love when they come to visit me. I am the youngest and when my older siblings and their spouses come to stay at my/our house I am beyond proud.

Here's to a good weekend with people that have known me as long as I've existed! Now that's a comforting thought.

Busy Bee

2006-10-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

This is often the face I give Joe.. "Don't!"

So many days have passed since I last posted. My blog is no longer something I go to when I am sad or lonely. When I first started my blog it was to keep my mind occupied. I had really very little going for me. I had just moved and I have written about it far too much. The point is that I was bored with my life and I valued the time I had to write in my blog. It used to be the very thing that I did in a day. I would wake up late, eat my big breakfast that I'd cook for myself, go on the computer for a few hours reading other blogs and commenting. Back then I had quite a few people to check up on. Today they seem to be few and far between. Suz, Mama, Cassie... Where are they all now? (that's besides the point..) I wouldn't have anyone to phone, or a job to go to. I just can't believe how much my life has changed since then. Did Rob really rescue me from that life I was living?

Today I worked, as usual until closing. I am fortunate with my job. We are only opened until 5:00. I got home around 5:30. I did my weight exercises, push ups and sit ups and went out for my "Run". (although 70% of the time I am "speed" walking.) I got home, showered and threw some clothes in the wash. I finished up whatever dishes I could and heated up our left overs from last night. It was even difficult to will myself into the computer room to write "that blog I have to get written." I love that I give myself homework to this very day.

"I haven't written in my journal for .. three days. I better catch up on those three days....three pages for you Miss. Parenteau."

"Your blog is getting terribly out dated. You haven't written in it since last week!"

Soon my writing workshop starts. I am really looking forward to working on real assignments. I think I just miss english class. I don't really miss much else from highschool. Well there is that entire feeling of belonging to a large group; my grad class. I do miss breaks and lunches with my fellow graduates. There are so many people I haven't seen since graduation. I miss the people I grew up around. I don't even necessarily have to know them all that well to miss them that little bit.

This weekend was my sisters birthday. She turned a whopping 27. I always rememebered wishing all of my life that I was her age. Gosh, what I wouldn't give to be Kyli's age so that I could do all the things that she got to do! Then my mom would say..." One day you'll be happy with your age and it is Kyli that will wish that she was as old as you." When I think of 27 for me, I expect to be working at a career, not at a coffee shop. I hope to be at an easier place than I am at now. Even though things feel pretty good now, they could be better. Money could be better, our living situation could improve. I hope to be proud of myself, like I am now.

My car was broken into in Victoria, while we were visiting. I can't explain the feeling I got when I peered through the window of my car, seeing all of the contents from my glove box spewed all over the passenger side. I felt violated and pissed off that someone had been in my car. But luckily we gutted the little sunfire before we locked all the doors and went on with our night. So the clever, little thief got nothing but a bag full of change that couldn't have been more than.. $5.00 altogether. So HA. Now since my lock on the driver's side is out of order. I've decided to keep my car unlocked, with nothing valueable inside. This way, other thiefs can take a look whenever, then they can see that there's nothing for them inside and go on their dishonest ways. Kind of like a shop owner leaving the cash register open with the flaps up, so that any burglar that may cross the shop's path, will see it is empty and not break it open.

" I feel busy." I said to Rob before I jumped up to write in my blog today. I was laying in his arms on the couch after eating my supper. I was doing nothing at all. Even when I am doing very little, I still feel busy. At least I feel like I am doing something with myself, rather than just writing in my blog and feeling fufilled.

Cheers big ears! Ky's 27!

Cutie Couple

There she is...not baaaad for 27!

Table for Four

2006-10-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

Company is coming..

My very good friend Morgan and her beau are coming for my first official "couples" visit. Rob and I have had our friends come to visit, but never a friend with his significant other. So this is another "first" to add to our list.

I can only hope that we do well to entertain. Like all things I tend to think too much into everything. A at work says " You are over explaining again..." I guess that's what to expect from a person that wants to be a writer. If I didn't over explain everything I couldn't get my point out there the way that I wanted it to.

Even though Morgan told me not to clean like a crazy woman, prior to her arrival, I did just that. We cleaned yesterday morning for a couple of hours. I hadn't realized how dirty my cupboards were until I started cleaning them front to back. My house has been filthy for a whole year and it took me this long to realize!! I saved sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor and of course, dusting for today. Again, I knew I wouldn't like this decision I made yesterday, today. Now I have to clean a little bit more. Oh well, no biggy.

The only bad thing about this visit is that they aren't going to see very much of us, because Rob and I are both working steady while they're here. They'll get us in the evenings. I hope that they don't mind going out on their own. We'll give them plenty of direction and ideas for a nice day out of course.

Well the news on my dad is back. He does apparently have a low grade cancer. People are probably wondering why I posted this part last. But it's because he has a really positive feeling about it and speaking from experience; it doesn't sound overly serious. I'll know more by... the 23rd. What's the point in worrying when it can wait until he knows everything and I can look at the big picture rather than the millions of "what ifs".

I can't say that I am fine with it. It really does make me think. But there's nothing we can do but wait and see how everything unfolds. I said to Kyli when I explained it to her, that there are unfortunately, thousands of little kids that battle cancer everyday and are going hard and strong as ever. If little kids can do it, certainly our own grown father can. Mind you I am not sure if I said that to make her feel better or me...

I am hours away from the company arriving and I am a little anxious for them. I am sure everything will work out smoothly. Apparently Rob's little buddies are planning on triple threating us with a visit. Uh oh.. three boys and Rob for how long I wonder...?? Now that is something to worry about!

I love him when..

2006-10-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

October 07, 2006 - Robert and Haley's Official One Year Anniversary

Yes, I am wearing a fake mustache, but that I will explain later.

There it is. One year together already and finally. That's basically how quickly it went by and how soon it came. I feel like we've been together forever, because we fit with each other so right, so naturally. But the very fact that we've been basically living together a year as well is crazy to me. I can't believe how quickly the year came! I love that we've been together for an entire year. My Last Year memories from this point on are all with Robert. Not with anyone else but him. We are so good together that it used to scare me. I'd wonder when things were going to go all wrong. But I have to stop living like that. I have to just live without doubts or fears. We love each other. We aren't in those puppy love stages where I almost cry when he leaves the room. Haha. Yes, I used to be like that. That is sad. I miss him when he's gone. I want him around when he isn't. When he is, we spend time together. We may not realize it, but we can't stay away from each other.

Rob and I are casually in love. We are so used to eachother like we've been together for years, yet we are just that much in love that others can see that it is true.

You know you love a person when:

1. I am proud when he opens his mouth to speak to my family and friends.
2. He treats my mother like his own.
3. Everyday he makes me laugh with his bizarre behaviour.
4. I sneak a sniff of his t-shirts before I drop them in the washing machine.
5. I wear a picture of him around my neck when he was three months old...and I get
asked CONSTANTLY at work how old my baby is...
6. I love his family like my own.
7. He babies me when I don't feel good.
8. He goes out of his way to please me..
9. I can't wait to make lil' replicas of us together!
10. He is my best friend.

Those are just a few things off hand. As for now; UFC Ken Shamrock VS. Tito Ortiz FIGHT #3 is on tv. It's not PayPerView..which is pretty well unbelievable. Rob's shouting at me to get in the living room so I don't miss it. So instead of writing about how much I love my man.... I am going to go love on him instead!

PS- The mustache story will have to wait!

Weight Lifter

2006-10-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

Mama and I in a place we like to call; Heaven on Earth.

If I didn't want to be a writer so bad, I think I would seriously consider being a therapist, or something like that. I have loved hearing problems since I can't remember. I liked hearing from my friends what they should do in their relationships, all through high school. I never missed the opportunity to let a person know what I thought was up. My opinions aren't usually wrong, as bold as a statement that is. When it comes to advice, I think I give it pretty accurately. I am proud of that.

I phoned my sister the other day. She was having a tough time coping with work and what not. I made her feel so much better by the end of the conversation, and in taking the credit for that; I felt really happy that I could help.

My mom phoned me today and she told me that I was really smart for my age. Wow, I thought, I don't think my mom has ever really said that to me before. My head puffed up three sizes bigger and I nearly floated out of the room, feet dragging below me.

" I can't believe those words just came out of your mouth. I am really going to consider what you said."

She left me with that thought lingering in my head. My family really does come to me with just about everything. I don't think since I've been a little girl, have I been out of the loop, with serious matter going on in the family. Most people have been in the dark about some family issues because other family members feared how one would react. Well, I think that no one thinks I will react all that badly.

I phoned my dad the other night. He seemed relatively pleased that I had phoned. I hadn't spoken to him in over a month. This is something we are trying to eliminate in our relationship. We want to keep in touch as much as possible now that we live so far away. Near the end of our conversation he told me that he didn't want to tell me something, but then at the last minute, decided that he wanted me to know.. He had some tumours found in his bladder and will be going through a minor surgery to remove them. Etc, etc. Normally, with any other family member, I think heart attacks would have been had. But with me, I took all the information in and decided that we would keep this a secret from my siblings until after the surgery and until his results come back to see if the tumours were cancerous or not. Though I have to say I did start shaking when I told Rob the story. I can't say I am not worried. But I am going to continue to protect the rest of my family until I have to tell them what is up. ( any results good or bad.. come in.)

I am like this big shield that stands infront of the ones I love the most. This weekend Rob and I are giving up our one year anniversary so that we can do something else for someone else that is much more important.

At times I feel I have the weight of my family on my shoulders. But my shoulders were the only ones meant for this kind of a load.. and I am more than happy to carry it.

Rob and I in Heavenly Snug Cove..

Change In Temp

2006-09-25T14:08:00.000-07:00

At the beach-- in September..

The weather is changing everyday. The air is a touch cooler than the last. I do enjoy the change here. In Alberta it isn't a gradual thing. It just kind of smacks you in the face. One day it is nice the next it isn't. The air is a lot cooler and the very next day there is three feet of snow. Summer was just winding down yesterday and today you have a blizzard in your back yard. Not to mention a lot of shoveling to do.

Rob and I took a drive the other day to the beach. We were bored and wanted something to do. The beach is always a good idea even if we don't really do much once we get there. The waves were crashing against the the shore and the wind was certainly in the air. But, it wasn't too over powering. It was kind of a comforting feeling, knowing that that is pretty much as bad as it gets here. The call for snow isn't impossible but fairly unlikely.

But with a snow less winter, comes a lot of rain. Last year Rob and I weren't really prepared for it. I found it somewhat depressing. There was never anything to do. With winter, there is Christmas. The Christmas comercials start to come on, the sound of carols are on all of the infomercials and I usually begin to get the familiar tickle in my stomach that I always get around that time of year. Christmas is around the corner and I get in a festive mood. I want to build a snowman or go sledding, maybe snowmobiling (if I had access to one, of course.) But here on the island, it doesn't feel as much like Christmas without the snow. We discussed what we should do to keep ourselves busy this coming winter. We came up with a couple of ideas. But I can't rely on ideas because they don't always happen.

First of all, I want to acknowledge the fact that I am on my third week of running/power walking. I was really down and out about my weight, the way I felt in general after not doing anything physical. So I decided on October 7th to first quit smoking. So I did. But at the same time I decided that eating junk food was probably a big reason why I felt so badly all of the time and also why my jeans suddenly fit like spandex. I quit smoking and eating junk. That day I decided to take a short walk. The next day was a Saturday and again I decided another walk was due. On that Monday I started on my little power walk that gradually turns into a nice joggish run and right back into a power walk down to the beach and then right back up to our house. I have never felt better. I feel more useful and energized, ready and willing to do a lot more things not only around the house but overall. I am happier with myself and the weight I am at. Even if I haven't lost anything I can look in the mirror now and say; "well I'm working on it. " That alone is my greatest accomplishement.

I am planning on continueing this routine through the winter if the streets don't get too slippery. Again having no snow, that probably shouldn't be too difficult. I am also starting a writing workshop through the college come November. I signed up today and payed for the course ahead of time so there's no backing out. I will be doing everything online so I will be able to write confidentally in the safety of my little orange home. This will also be really good for my relationship with Rob. We both need our own things. We may live together, but that doesn't mean we have to be sitting near one another every moment that we are home. Although I do love being around him, doing my own thing helps me feel confident and self reliant. He also enjoys just getting to play away on his guitar without me sitting there turning the t.v up over the sound!

Robert and I also keep ourselves busy. The other night we had my mom over for a sleep over. Rob noticed that our apple tree dropped about thirty apples in the back yard. So he picked them all and decided to make his very first apple pie! He had mom and I peeling him the apples while he rolled his dough with a glass cup. (no rolling pin.) Then I realized mom and I never did stuff like that together. We never sat there chatting, peeling apples and just enjoying each other's company. It was really nice and fun too.

Last night Rob and I made our own sushi. Haha!!!! We went online watched a video on how to make the California Roll by a sushi guy and everything. All I have to say is -- Those fuckers make it look sooooo easy! Well, it isn't! The sticky rice is like a plague. It won't go away. I am still finding traces of it on the kitchen floor, bottom of my socks... dish clothes. It was fun, but we were not successful. We suck at making sushi. But one day we will try it again.

My point is; we have both been keeping ourselves busy, and happy along with taking care of important family stuff together. I believe that this winter will be one of our most memorable. It will be our First Christmas together in our first home ever.

Free Admission

2006-09-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

I was catchin up on blogs today. I was inspired by one, to put my pictures of the street concert we went to in Thunder Bay. I have always liked music, ever since my brother and sister started listening to it. Plus having our dad be a musician was an early introduction to it as well.

My dad was in a country music band in the early 90's and they were actually nominated for a Juno Award. The band was interviewed on a television show and they played their first single on the show. They even had a music video that was shown on CMT. They had been to Nashville and set up a booth between famous singers that everyone knows today. He met Trisha Yearwood and Shania Twain. The deal with Nashville is that if you're there, and no one knows you yet, the fans still get your autograph because just the fact that the band is there means that it will be famous very soon. The only thing that ended their career as a band was an unstable lead singer, that wanted to end his soon to be fame and fortune. I say; If you're going to ruin three other men's careers your attempt better work, asshole. Needless to say it didn't and it was just a cry for help and the very key point in the ending of their singing careers.

(**Side note: I didn't really want him to succeed in the "suicide"..but it's hard not to be pissed off**)

Like I said; I was really into music once my brother and sister were. Of course, I wanted to be just like them. They both loved the Beatles and of course, I followed along and found that I too really enjoyed some of their music. I mainly liked the music because my siblings did. But they introduced me to that music and it was later in life that I truly and fully enjoyed them. My sister had a good job for a 15 or 16 year old working at McDonalds. So she was buying cd's left and right, just to say that she had them sometimes. But what I would do, whenever she wasn't listening to them; I'd pop them into her cd player. (at the time she was the only one with a cd player in the house.) I'd listen to her cd's over and over again. I had a tape of her Cranberries cd that I listened to on my walkman as I played Mario Brothers on the Nintendo. After awhile I'd be singing to all the words to her Sheryl Crowe cd and it'd piss her off because I knew all the words and she barely had any time to listen to her new..a little used cd's.

It wasn't until my brother was 16 when he truly closed up. He would hide himself in his bedroom with the phone and play music after school until he was called for supper. His music quickly changed from the Beatles to Melincolin, Face to Face, AFI..etc. Bands that I had never heard of and quite frankly when I did, all I could hear was loud, fast talking with even louder music. He went to tons of concerts with his buddies over his highschool life. I can't say that my sister did. It was more my brother that was the concert type.

I don't know if I was ever really invited to a concert. But I am sure if I was my mom would have been against it. I am still told to this day to be careful with "that knife" when I am cutting something. Had one of my friends been into music and able to go to a concert I think I would have loved to actually go. But the chance never came up; until last summer.

My sister Kyli works at a kind of place that gives her these rewards, for a job well done. Last summer I think I mentioned at the time, she was given two box seats to the Avril Lavigne concert. So I went along with her. Mom had to drive me into Victoria, spend the evening with Joe and his friends. While Kyli and I sang our hearts out to the Avril, along with a thousand other little girls. It was a lot of fun. I didn't have my digital at the time, so I completely forgot to bring my camera. The seats were beautiful. We had food, snacks. We had beer and wine to drink while watching the concert. The security had to ask us to please leave once the show had been over, and all the other fans had cleared out of the arena. We hadn't finished our beers and didn't want to waste. We were escorted out, needless to say... But I will never forget it. It was my first concert, at the age of 20. The choice wasn't mine; Avril Lavigne is okay...but not my absolulte fav.

This summer Rob and I went back to his hometown, Thunder Bay, Ontario. We heard about a concert being held across from the casino and decided to go. Sam Roberts was playing and I couldn't believe it! An actual artist singing for FREE in some random Canadian city. These things just don't happen in Alberta, at least not where I was from. They certainly don't happen in Qualicum; seeing as the senior citizen ratio to other age groups is 100:10 Haha-- I don't really know how to do ratios..so I am not sure if that even made sense. In other words; there are a lot of old people in this town!!

AHHHHH -- I can't for the life of me put my pictures from the concert on here! I wanted to show off how good my camera was.. You can almost see right up Sam's nose! I don't understand why it won't let me post pictures!!!!!

Anonymous Message

2006-09-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

It feels so good to be this far from "home!"

I was on the phone with my best friend. She was just telling me about another one of our friends that passed through our home town. Now she was the girl that hadn't visited Hinton since my step dad's "service". So she wasn't really looking forward to it. So she stopped in at the Smitty's (the one I worked at for far too long) and saw the very people that she did not want to see. She gets a an anonymous phone call hours later.. "if we ever see your face in Hinton again, we'll kick your ass."

Now, a couple of years ago this would have made me feel sick to my stomach with worry. But I mean... how old are we? It just makes me LAUGH. How can people still hold onto that bully thing years later.... many, many years after high school for some... It just is such a joke to me. Now this is the very reason why I am happy to be living in British Columbia, faaaar, faaaar away from that stink hole. (Hinton has a mill; therefore it stinks..literally.)

I walk around here and I am at ease and peace with the world. Even though Q.B resembles Pleasantville, it is a great place to live without drama. At least it's been working for Rob and I so far. Everything about this town is perfect. The flowers are perfect, the roads are perfect.. it is a strange occasion when garbage is actually seen on the ground, before someone picks it up.. Someone left their car keys ... and I'm not talking about a piece of shit car... but a Niiiiiiice car.. These car keys were forgotten, and someone taped them to the mail box that they were found near. These keys were there for weeks... WEEKS. It had an alarm push pad on the key ring as well, and no one stole it! Mind you-- ALLLL of my cd's and cd adaptor was stolen out of my car a few month ago. I think that the young kids around here are all messed up.. They're too bored and do the strangest things to keep themselves occupied. Other than the youth in this town.... everything else is perfect!!

I love my life here. I feel more independent and there are no strings connecting me to my hometown anymore. All of my friends have left and moved on with their lives. They'd probably agree with this post.

Every town is someone's hometown... Again; to each his own.

Say No To Junk

2006-09-07T18:18:00.000-07:00

(Pissing my mom off on my b'day
at my gran's...)

I am beginning to wonder how huge "blogging" is really becoming. There are all of these updates and new kinds of systems... The trouble is that I am attached to my blog and I fear I'll lose everything if I move on to greater, better blogging services. I was watching "Ellen" today. She was talking about blogs and interviewed a girl on her show about her "My Space". She said that over twenty thousand people have checked out her blog since she started two years ago. I am really beginning to wonder how many people actually flip through or read my blog that don't comment. I am sure I have a few regulars that don't like to comment, but rather just read what is going on in my world. But wow, I wonder ... Is my life interesting enough to check up on regularly? I'd have to say no...

I know that my life was more dramatic when I first moved over a year ago. I was undergoing many changes and feelings. But over a year later.. today; I fear that there really isn't that much to write about, that hasn't already been covered.

I have been worried about my body lately. I guess women in general probably stress a lot over these issues. The world has gotten a lot more cruel. Perhaps I was too young to have paid any attention to the media and celebrity magazines. But now it seems like everyone in Hollywood is dieting, excercising in at least two ways.... It's just unsettling really. I don't think that the world needs to be fat and lazy.. But I do think that there are more important issues to focus on, other than our weight or appearance in this world.

Everyday I criticize myself. I do. I look in the mirror and reject myself. How can this be sexy? Okay, put some clothes on me.. hide a few things and maybe, I can be sexier. But as I bare all, I really am forced to wonder what is appealing?? I am not looking for compliments.. I am just expressing my feelings for the passed.. LATELY.

I know that I could do a lot of things to improve my appearance. For one, I could stop smoking since I started up this June. I could try doing my 'at home exercises' like I did before the summer. I could buy a one piece bathing suit and hit the swimming pool that is literally two doors down from my front door. AND-- I know I could cut out some pretty stupid junk foods that I eat, all of the time. It's just so tough being skinny up until about 17 and then suddenly having to worry about all of this B.S. It is also easier to write and think about what I could do, rather than going out tomorrow and doing them.

I sometimes wish that I was just pregnant so that I would have an excuse, a real excuse for eating some of the bizarre foods I eat.

" Oh you mean, eating a breakfast bagel at 10pm isn't normal?? So I guess eating an entire bowl of popcorn is out as well???"

This is my vice. Junk food. I don't have a weight problem yet. But I fear soon enough I will, if I am not careful.

Just Me

2006-08-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

This is my family:

Ky,Linc..me

My Robert..

My mama and her babies..

Today is just for me.

I am having an extra day before I go back to work, back to my old routine. I feel a bit lost this afternoon. Maybe it's because Rob and I have been together everyday for the last two and a half weeks. Leaving me alone in my house to do whatever I want is what I always look forward to. But today, I just feel kind of out of it.

I decided early on to catch up on my online stuff. I've updated my hi5 account with all of my pictures from my holidays. I caught up on fellow blog friends that I hadn't checked up on lately. I basically have sat on the computer all morning.

Is it wrong to not want to go out? Or to be seen by anyone I know? I just don't feel like seeing people today. Other than my mom and Rob. Mom might be coming over for some chili this evening. I really hope she comes. She's been down lately and has quite a lot going on in her life. If I could have password protected blogs, I would, but I really don't know how.. So I'll just have to leave it at that.

I love my mama and hope that she realizes how much she is loved.

It was so nice having my brother here. He said he was jealous because I had a car and a wicked "beach house." I guess it could be called that. It's near the beach and it is bright orange on the outside. My family is so important to me. Friends are as well. But I am beginning to see how difficult it is to make really good friends, when I'm so far from the people I've known. I just see all of these pictures of old acquaintances back in Hinton on hi5. So many things haven't changed but those pictures always bring me back. They somewhat make me feel guilty or jealous... knowing that I don't have that special bond with anyone back "home". I have a couple of people that I could call good friends. But, even those friends I think I am growing so far from. I know I'll always have something to talk about on the phone, but I wonder if when she phones, she isn't hoping I'm not home so she can just leave a message. I just hope she cherishes our friendship as much as I do.

See this mood? I am all over the place and not making a whole lot of sense. I am happy though. I keep seeing pictures of Rob all over the house or here on the computer and I sigh and think about him. Sometimes I just flat out say to myself, "I love him". Or I am shocked at how good looking he is. It probably doesn't help that I have damn country music singing from my kitchen radio.

Mom's mood changed from yesterday. She might not make it for supper tonight. Oh well. I hope she comes anyway.

I think what I need to do is go buy those tampons I need.. (hence the mood maybe-haha) and come home to my couch, and wrap myself up in a big comfy blanket..and watch day time t.v until I fall asleep. How many people can say that they can really find the time to do that? I know I won't be able to..for quite some time after today..

Heart Strings Attached

2006-08-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

The End-

And no Parker isn't really grabbin' it..

Farewell T.Bay!

So it is our very last night. It's midnight.. and we have to be up in four hours. Yuck. But I just can't find it in myself to go to bed just yet. I know that once I close my eyes, it really is all over. I get so attached to people, lifestyles... people.. I'm just sad again. It's like when I left my new found friends in Lafayette. I was so heartbroken leaving them because I knew that I would never find people quite like them again. (Mind you; I never did see them again..and I knew that leaving)

This time is different though. I get to see these people again. Dave's coming in November to visit and I know that Parker can't keep away. I am really hoping that Dan finds time to join us eventually some time too.

I felt such a close bond tonight. We all went bowling, and as corny as it sounds it was so fun because we knew that this was it with these people. I'm sure Rob is even more sad because these are the people he grew up with. He must feel pretty upset knowing that we're going back to a place where we have very few friends. This is our fault we know. But the people aren't quite the same on the island, at least where we are living.

So here I am in my undies typing against the clock as quickly as I can... I am just searching for words to express how I am feeling right now. I am not only sad but I am looking forward to getting back to our old routine. Once we fall back into that schedule things will be just fine. But it's those Vacation Is Over Blues singing in my head. I know everyone gets them. I just get really attached to my vacations.. Well like I said, the people I meet or spend on my vacations.

Rob and I hugged everyone in the parking lot of the "Bowladrome". Parker threw his water at me in my open window as we sped away. Haha- so highschool. But I loved it. A Red Hot Chili Peppers song was playing. It's so funny because when I was in Lafayette, the RHCP were on my summer cd's quite often. So that's it.. I found my theme song for Thunder Bay. Song 2 on the RHCP's new cd. (I'll do my research later.. when I don't have 4 hours to sleep .. )

So when I am asked; "How was your Thunder Bay trip?"

I'll reply, "I really loved the people that were part of Rob's life growing up. As for T.Bay; I'm happy to be home. "

Last Chance

2006-08-26T19:02:00.000-07:00

Last Night's Outings-

Rob's girls: Alana and Corrine

El Quadro (it took me ten tries to get them all
to smile!!!)

The happy couple..and Rob's friends..

"I hate you Parker..Errrr!!!"

Saturday- our last night to party on our vacation..

I am sitting here, waiting for things to unfold.. Rob just woke up from a nap. It's 10pm and most people would call it quits for the prospect of going out. Oh no, not Rob. He wants to go to one of the fancier clubs tonight, one I haven't gone to yet. My stomach still hurts from last night.

Last night, I was drinking Extra Strong Bellini's at Moxies, beers at Speers..haha.. and a strong drink at one of the shags (I'll explain those in a later post) and beers at Roxy's.. You'd think that I would be right smashed, but for some reason I felt stone cold sober. I could not figure it out. I think what happened was; I faked sober. I thought I was sober, but when I woke this morning I was soooo thirsty like I had been right wasted. When I look back at the pictures, I look a bit drunk. It was such a shitty drunk, like I had been tricked the entire night that I wasn't. Oh well, hopefully I won't be having one of those again.

We were going to go to Duluth today, but we woke with no one here as well as no vehicles left. So we sat around and waited for someone to come home. They did..but at 4. So we went to the mall to shop instead. It was nice to actually go out for lunch just the two of us. We had a great lunch and were energized for more shopping.

I have come to the conclusion that next time we go on a vacation, we are going to actually go on vacation. This entire time, I have done very little, but it was very far from relaxing. I think this was just the kind of trip that was mandatory. Meeting all of the family and allllll of his friends. So now, I think we'll plan a more, one on one trip for the two of us to relax and be together. Even though, we're always together at home. But everyone knows that Home Together and Vacation Together is quite different.

Tomorrow I meet allllllllll the Italians and family friends.. As for tonight; who knows. I just hope to have a decent time and maybe tonight I'll drink and know I am drunk.

Sneak a Peak

2006-08-24T17:26:00.000-07:00

Out and About In Thunder Bay

Like I previously stated; I have been out and about with Rob's friends for the entire time that we've been here. Last night was like the others.. getting drunk and taking lots of pictures to prove it.

The boys the other night at Scuttlebutts ..

Erin, Alex and I before the bar last night..

Erin's little nipple pinchers ....Parker loves it.

This has been my life for the passed week!

Taking A Breather

2006-08-22T17:42:00.000-07:00

"Go Dog Go" by Dr. Seus .. this is the theme of my vacation since I got here on Thursday. We literally had not stopped until last night. We have been busy with friends, sight-seeing, more friends, drinking and partying that we just realized we only have one week left of our time here.

I went fishing with eight boys on Sunday. I don't even want to get into how I got to this one lake. Rob's dad is a crazy driver, that does not care if there is a road to drive on.... It looked as if we just decided to turn off the road into the bushes and somehow, we might find the lake eventually. Of course this is his favourite, "secret" lake and he knew exactly where we were going the entire time. At the time, I did not feel like he knew what he was doing... It was an adventure, but one that I won't be forgetting.

Last night Rob and I had the camp all to ourselves. It was actually one of the first romantic things that we've ever done. We were all alone, at the edge of a gorgeous lake. We had a fire in the wood stove, had some candles lit and he even played me a few tunes before bed. It was nice to find my head again after all of the chaos of meeting tons of people and seeing everything I need to see.

I really like the people that I am meeting here because they are all so genuine. Each one of Rob's friends are real.. I like that. I am beginning to understand why Rob talks so much about this place, and it is because of the people, his buddies. They really do make a place like T.Bay feel like home.

Flying Forward

2006-08-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

Here I am. I am a long way from home that's for sure. We traveled across Canada the other night on a midnight flight. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. At the same time, it felt very exhausting getting off of our four hour flight into Toronto. I think the time difference of three hours really does something to the average person as well. We lost three hours mid flight. So to us, it was 2:30 am and the sun was just starting to come up beside us. That is so fascinating. Rob said, "Look baby, we're flying into the future."

Rob and I did fairly well for our first flying trip. We only argued once because we were both very tired, and hungry and thirsty.. Because of all that has happened recently, bottled water and drinks are banned from airplanes and airports. So when a water is ordered anywhere, (which it HAS to be because the vending machines are all closed) a person is over charged and the water has to be poured into a cup. It feels like prison. We were all in our closed off smoking area in the airport and everyone is looking for a light because their lighters all got taken away by customs. we have to look for the man in uniform if we want a light. (pilots, airport staff) We all sit together and exchange war stories.
"I lost my lighter at customs..had to throw it right in the garbage."
"Oh yeah, well they said I could bring my lip balm, and it turns out I had the wrong kind.. not in a tube, but in a little container..and pfff that was the end of that."

We arrived in T.Bay at 7:00 B.C time, 10:00 O.N time. We were ridiculously exhausted from the flight but that didn't stop us. We visited a few of Rob's friends that weren't working and started to drink. But as the night went on, we came to find that we were just too out of it, to even be able to get drunk enough where we could have a crazy, woopin' good time. So we played it low key and were in bed by 12:30 (9:30 our time..hehe)

The weather is a whole different story. It is so humid here I feel like I'm in Louisiana again. I have not felt heat like that. It was only 29 and it felt like 35+. Apparently it is supposed to go up to 46 in the next week. Ahh I can't even imagine what that's like. (I'm talking celcius b.t.w..for those american fans I have..) This morning felt like a real summer vacation morning. I don't even think that that makes sense, but it just felt like I was truly on vacation, because that kind of heat is so welcoming and awesome early on in the day.

I met all of Bob's close guy friends.. el quadro...as I am told together they are all called. I have to force myself to be the tourist and take loads of pictures so we can make a vacation album together. I have some pictures but I'm at a different computer, and doing all of that just might be too much work for me today.

I am happy to be here, learning more and more about my boy each day..

Mornings of the Past

2006-08-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

Anticipation. That is all I feel right now. I am anticipating so many things at this point. I am so excited for tomorrow when I get to see my brother again! I still can't believe it's been eight months since I saw him last! To think, we used to live under the same roof for many, many years. It is an odd thing to think back way back when it was normal to live at home, with your siblings.

I was talking about that.. I took myself back to Hinton, in my old bedroom. The mornings where I would sleep in until I felt. Back when sleeping in wasn't something to feel guilty about. I could hear my parents croaky voices coming out of the kitchen in the early mornings. Rudi would be up for work and my mom always, always woke up with him. I could hear Rudi talking to the puppies in his.."sweet puppy voice". I smiled thinking about it. He talked to me like that when I was little too, and sometimes when I wasn't feeling too good. Another smile. Then there would be silence for much of the morning, until my sister woke. She usually got up before me and most definetly before Lincoln. I could hear her and mom having coffee. I think sometimes I'd even hear the coffee brewing. That was usually when I wanted to make myself wake up because I always loved getting in on the morning coffee and smoke.

There would be mornings where Kyli, Mom and I would get up and sit around talking for hours before we'd have showers, get out of our pajamas.. Those were the good old days. When we were all comfortable because we were home. Now when we all get together, someone isn't truly home. At mom's.. she's home, but the rest of us aren't. It's a comfortable place, but it will never be like our homes before, when we all shared the same kitchen and bathrooms.

I can't believe all of that is over. To think that I never really knew what I had. I wish I could tell people to appreciate those small things. I'm sure I'm taking a few for granted here as I sit typing away. We never truly see what we have until we don't anymore. When I think about it, I don't have a mortgage or children to take care of. In ten years from now, even five I'll think about how my life was so good now. No kids to wake me up. My days off of work, were really and truly days off, for the most part.

Being from a divorced home, I am used to the fact that my "family" aren't together very often. But, now that Ruder's gone, there really isn't a place or time that we'll all ever truly be together again. Well maybe, one day... when we've all passed on.. Who knows.

My family life.. awww. Thinking about it is bittersweet. I know it wasn't perfect. We fought and slammed doors as much as the next family. But there's just something about family that nothing exceeds. Family is it. It's there always, whether a person likes it .. or not.

Tomorrow I work, and wish I didn't. Only because my brother gets in early in the morning and I have to be tortured, knowing he's here and not be able to get to see him until after four. He said he'd probably stop by my work. I'm excited, but that's even more torture really! I'll want to tag along like I always did. When I was four and busted them for sneaking out in the hallway to watch t.v after bedtime. They said I had huge feet (though I think they were exxagerating!) and I'd stomp really loud behind them and this would be the siren that allowed our folks to know we were out of bed..again. Or.. when Kyli and Lincoln went to their firsts day of highschool together.. I sat in the window and watched them as they nervously walked down the road to their bus stop, wishing so much that I could go. Fully knowing that one day I would have to do that same walk... but without them. It's not as drastic of a feeling this time around but I am going to wish to run after them as they leave the shop.

There will be much more to tell as the weekend unfolds... Pictures to see and more family memories to make, with the loved ones I still have.

Between These Lines

2006-08-09T02:34:00.000-07:00

Timid- lacking self confidence, fearful and hesitant.

I have been told recently that I am far too timid. That I am so far gone into timid, that she worries. She wants to get me out of my little, timid turtle shell ASAP. Hmmm..

Of course I am immediately offended, as I usually react to anything such as this. But for some reason I can't seem to shake it. I think that reason is because.. it's true.

I hate it when people are insecure. I don't let others know it right away. Though I do have a problem with eye contact. I've had this for so many years. She blames my mom for not distilling this quality a person is supposed to aquire from his parents. Hmm.. again I am offended. Don't attack the parents. Especially my mom because it hasn't been easy for her. I'm not talking about recently either. Ever. Life has not been easy for her ever. So back off.

But again, she is correct. I do have a problem with eye contact. Someone told me once, that I had sad eyes. That comment has really stuck with me. I guess I have to trust a person to really look into his eyes. So at work I will gaze. But I won't stay on them. Today for instance a man was looking right into my eyes. He was with another woman and it made me uncomfortable. I figured he was trying to pull me in or something, have a silent affair. Why do I think such things? You'd think I've been through more in my life, like being sexually assaulted.

So what's with this trust issue I have? I still don't get it. I could be my own psychologist..and really dig deep:

1- your parents were divorced at a young age. This causes you early disapointment in life. Teaching you not to let yourself get hurt.
2- you have had some pretty ugly relationships in your past. One being a first love that turned into a cheating, suicidal, coke head. (though I think things are better for him. And I'm glad)..Another being.. When the going got tough, the tough certainly didn't get going..rather he decided to stay behind and leave me to face my new life alone. (and i know he's doing just fine. And that is another good thing.)
3- the one man you could rely on died suddenly, leaving you with this feeling of betrayal.
4- your mom's back. (that is an issue all in itself..and i'm sure a shrink would bring it up.)

Then I met Rob. He was like this teacher..this person that helped me walk again so to speak. He showed me that Love is not always a scary thing. He's been really amazing, since the day we met. He gets cranky from time to time. ahem tonight. But, it was one and my clicking on this doesn't help when he works in the morning.

So there are so many ways in which I can fix this. But how. I guess it's not going to be easy. I'm going to have to do things I don't want to do.

Another thing is I always bail out on everyone. I'm turning into my mom. I just would rather not go to a wedding shower, because... it's a wedding that I don't entirely have close feelings about. I think I would like to go to a wedding shower and be happy for the person, rather than have doubts and not want to say anything, knowing that she's probably heard it from everyone. How can I be a good friend if I'm never there.

Sure I get lonely. But I don't really deserve friends if I never go out with them. Or if I don't answer my phone when it rings. It's silly really. What am I so afraid of?? That's what I ask my mom when she's doing the exact same thing as me. Interesting.

All the answers are within myself. No one can really answer any of them for me. I just have to shut up long enough (in my head..which is entirely impossible, unless I am sleeping and then..I have the most bizarre dreams..) and listen for what I yearn for. I still don't know what that is. Courage? Friends? Confidence? Eye Contact? Assurance that I'll never get hurt again?

I guess I'll just have to wait..and let it come to me. Perhaps all I need to do .. is read this post in a few days..

More In Store..

2006-08-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

The boys, being boys..

There are so many great things happening in the next couple of weeks. Kyli and Joe came for a visit. They wanted badly to go to the BlueGrass Festival in Coombs. We all went on Saturday night and it was an okay time, for me personally. Rob got nice and liquored, but I think I held back because I am still taking my antibiotics.

Kyli and Joe seemed impressed again with our living situation. We do have a lovely home, a great backyard, lots of food in the cupboards (apparently..though I thought we were running low. ) It's always nice to impress someone like an older sister, a person I basically dedicated my adolesence to have notice me.

Yesterday was a fun day for sure. The boys went paintballing with Rob's boss. Kyli and I went to Aunt B's. We ate drunk chicken, my favourite macaroni salad and marinated steaks later on in the night. Around four in the morning Aunt B made all of us breakfast as well. I have to say, she is a fantastic host.

Robert and Joseph.... Those two are like peas in a pod when they are together. They get along really well. He definetly is like the big brother that Rob never had. Now that I come to think of it, Joe has two sisters, so it's kind of like that for him too. The two of them can talk up a storm because they always have something to talk about. They both play guitar and sing. They're dating "the sisters". I like that they can confide in each other about us whenever they need to.

The weekend was good. But next will be even better because MY BROTHER is coming to visit!! I couldn't be more excited. I haven't seen him since Christmas. It's coming close to a year that we haven't been around each other. Quite frankly, that is too damn long. Next Wednesday we leave for T. Bay as well. So this August is fun-filled for Rob and I.

I am just really looking forward to getting away from work for more than two days.

This weekend was good, but the ones to follow will be even better!!

At the BlueGrass Festival

Low Expectations

2006-08-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

((Insert Pic of Me Bored)) - blogger didn't feel like allowing my other pic to show ...

The clock bells chime in the distance as I sit lazily in my chair, puffing grudgingly on my cigarette. Lately these stolen moments to have a smoke aren't as satisfying.

How is it that I continue to misplace my water every where I go? Or my notebook.. I used to have five notebooks at hand everywhere I looked. Now it seems I'm so busy... doing not much, to write like I used to. How that makes sense, I don't really know.

Each time the bells chime to introduce a new hour, it reminds me that I am still doing the same thing I was doing the last time the bells rang.

I'm not depressed nor am I unhappy. I'm just in a blah state. I have a bladder infection, I'm eating antibiotics and I'm watching Dinner and a Movie's bad skits in between a Ben Affleck chick flick on TBS.

I don't feel like sleeping or staying awake. I'm stuck here in .. limbo? I'm in a place where we're tired from all of our company we just had in July. I'm barely hanging on to every repetitive day at work, anticipating our trip to T. Bay. We have run out of good food and laundry detergent, but we don't want to go buy more food because we know we're leaving for two weeks.

Rob's job is taking a lot out of him. The poor guy works and sweats his balls off every day on top of a roof in the sweltering summer heat. Each day at work I anticipate those same bells that allow me to dash out of those doors. The same doors I swear I am going to run through mid shift oneday because I can. Once I'm off, I return home with big intentions to do the laundry, fold clothes, have a shower, brush my hair.. eat properly. Waaaay down the list... exercise.
HA-fuckin-HA! Not happening anytime soon.

Damn it- I reached for my water again it's still not there!!

I do have to say doing nothing gets dull. But it does feel great, knowing nothing is really expected of me. I think the same goes for sleeping beauty here next to me.

Carpe' Diem..

So Long Sweet Heart..wellll It's Time To Go

2006-08-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

August 1st is the day that my Erin, Baby J. moved back to T.Bay.

Airhead is a special girl. She always seems to have a really big impact on the people that she meets. She made so many friends in the short time that she has been living here. I am sure they will all miss her very much.

I have to say, she really gave me the right idea of what it would be like to have a baby sister. I say this because it sucks sometimes but in the end it is usually rewarding. I love Erin like my sister. But she was like a little sister in the sense that she was a bit of a brat while she was here. I am being honest. We had a couple of spats. But really, that's what sisters do. That is what made us closer, and closer. I wish that her and I could've been close. But I think she had it in her head that I was Rob's girlfriend and wherever he goes I go. This is true to a certain extent. I think he's always been quite critical of the people that she chooses to hang out with. So she didn't always want him around. Therefore, I was not really around very much.

Last night I told her straight up that I wanted to spend time with her. I was going wherever she was..and she seemed surprised yet pleased. We had a really good time. Though I kind of spent more time with her best friend Alex, from T.Bay. She was preoccupied with a guy that decided to like her right before she moved. Hmmmmmmm.

But the night ended with me encouraging Erin to steal chimes outside of the health food store .. and I pulled an entire flower plant right out of it's pretty, perfect flower bed...roots and all. Wow, three bottles of Pink Poison (shared of course) will do that to me! My point is, is that I did get to hang out with her the night before she left us. I am so glad that I did too.

Erin had a lot of company for the last little while. I got to meet quite a few people from T.Bay all of which I liked quite a bit.

First off is Amanda, her cutie pie room mate. Who doesn't love this girl? She is a total doll. She wouldn't hurt a fly and she is so modest. I love Amanda and hope to see her when I visit the Bay.

Alex is Erin's best best friend that just got here on Thursday so that she could join Erin on a huge road trip across Canada, back home. There were some obstacles to this new found friendship, that we didn't even care about. (I won't get into detail, not a biggy at all.) I really liked her as well. I spent a lot of time with her last night. She is also a little sweetie.

Taylor and Mark came for short visits. I liked them both and hope to see them soon. I didn't get to know them as well, but what I saw, I liked.

Erin brought a lot of things into my life. She's my little sis now and I am glad that she came for the time that she did, so that we could build the solid relationship that we now have.

I love you "wong" time Baby J.

* I stole these pics off of the computer, just to show these friends that Erin introduced me to..*

Erin and Mark in Vic

On my b'day..

Alex and Erin partying @ Irish with my Sis.

The crazy couple (joked about calling them
lesbos all the time. haha)

Mark and Erin on the ferry .. coming to HERE

A Summer Reality

2006-07-22T17:08:00.000-07:00

Rob and I on the boat..

The night before at the beach.

This is the Dingy Dock Pub. So neat.

WOOOOW. It is HOT here. I know that it was hot in the summer back in Alberta. But this heat is intense. I am not complaining though. The summer rays always bring out the kids in us.

I came home from work today, and Mama J. had the sprinkler spraying up as she's yelling, "Wanna come in my shower!!?" I love it. Summer time is the ideal time of the year. Some people can't hack the heat. But I personally say, buck up and enjoy the weather. I understand it gets to be too hot, and people get grumpy and tired. But always remember, you could be other places quite unpleasant. Being at work in a place where most people travel to on vacation is punishement. But while I am there I think about where else I could be that is worse. The hospital came to mind. Can you imagine being sick in the hospital during the summer, or ever for that matter?

Not necessarily someone in my life, but someone else in another life is in fact facing a struggle in a hospital. I think of her whenever I feel like complaining. I remember what it's like to visit someone sick in the hospital and how much I disliked it. I hate to imagine of what that would be like. To be sick, scared and have everyone around trying to act happier is just a plain old nightmare. I won't let on who it is, for it is someone that I do not know. But she's just a little girl that should be screaming and jumping through sprinklers herself. I think of her and hope that my comments might make her smile, if not only for a moment.

Last night I went out with the famdamily and celebrated the summer by floating on a boat, alongside the BC ferries, the marina and AN OCEAN PUB. It felt like I was on my own little mini-vacation. I had a hell of a busy day at work and then I got to be a tourist and drink beers and visit with family. It was the perfect reward.

I like these new people in my life. Thinking back to a year ago I would never have imagined life to be like this. Rob, Mom and I are all celebrating our one year of living here this week. It's a celebration of the times already shared, and the ones to follow.

I welcome this summer with open arms!

2006-07-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

***** Scroll down for my newest post. I don't know how to date it to today*****

This Promise

2006-07-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

This is the ring I got for my birthday from lovely Rob. He gave it to me Friday night because he was too excited to wait until Sunday.

"Promise To Love You Forever-Ring" I think it is absolutely perfect and it really suits who I am. He chose it first in the jewellery store and liked it right away.

To be honest I thought he was proposing and when he gave me the ring box I just stared at it...not wanting to see what was inside. I mean, yes I will marry him but not now, not yet. We have too many things to do before that will happen. As soon as I saw the colour of the stone I was thrilled, knowing that it was going to be a "love ya" kind of ring.

The picture was also taken with my new digital camera. All the pictures from my Birthday Bash turned out really well. I will post those pictures later on. I thought that this ring and what it means to me deserved a post all in itself.

One thing that I learned from my weekend was how much Rob really loves me. I see little pumping red hearts in his eyes when he looks at me. It is a secure and comforting feeling knowing someone in this world loves me, unconditionally. This feeling is also what helps me fall asleep at night, it's what gets me up smiling in the morning and this is what I want my life to be like.

Thank you Bob for this gift. It means wonders to me and I couldn't be prouder to wear this ring everyday.

A Day To Remember..

2006-07-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

Day 2- Saturday, July 15th -- Haley's BBQ Birthday Bash

** I wanted a pic of Papa J.. but blogger isn't bein' cool.

Our Mamas at my party!!

Us girls...where's our missin' Linc?

Okay so I had a really awesome time at my BBQ this Saturday. Sooo many of Rob's family members showed up and I would be lieing if I said I wasn't teary eyed touched. I really appreciated them all making an appearance. The funny part was they ended up staying the longest out of everyone (except Ky and Joe who spent the night..!)

My aunt and uncle were away for their 25th wedding anniversary, so the are also exempt.. I know they would've been there for my day. Mama got me a digital camera for my birthday. A Fuji.. Which I must say, is fuckin' awesome. Sorry for the language but that is how excited I am about it.

Mama J and Papa J bought me a professional hair straightner. I was overly pleased with this little gifty poo. I love my hair really straight and this was the second thing I wanted after my camera. Way to go Junkies!!!! (pertaining to their last name..not a chronic problem..lol)

My mom came and as you can see from pictures, looked absolutely fabulous!! Her little green sweater and long, white hippy skirt..was too cute for words. She looked adorable and I couldn't be prouder than I was to show her off to everyone. Someone will snatch that cutie up in no time. And love her more than life!!

Robert was also just.... Words can't even begin to explain how much he did for me . He was an angel. My blue eyed baby, that rocks my little world here. I know it sounds lame and or cliche'. But he really did it up for my day. He was so happy just to see me .. laugh, or smile. It is touching to know that he loves me the way he does. We are happy. Things are good.

Rob's parents are also little angels..with beer and oilers..and love to share. They are the best of the best. If I could ask for better in laws I wouldn't. They truly did everything they could to make the day a special one for me.

Airhead took two hours to curl my hair for the party and as you can see from the pictures, looked really great! Amanda came with beautiful flowers for me and her cutie presence. I only wished they had given 'er with me. But I understand why the didn't. No worries, Baby J.

My sister and Joe came and enjoyed themselves!! That is all I wanted from them for my birthday. I wanted them to say that they had a wicked, good time with "my" family. (Rob's family, but hey..they're mine too damnit!!!)

My friends came by too. They didn't seem to enjoy it too much. But it wasn't for them it was for me. I think it was a little too family oriented for them. No biggy.

Oh I do have to have a little shout out to my buddy James. Rob's buddy, from when he worked at QF. He was so good with everyone, enjoying himself.. the food, the bud. He impressed me this weekend. Though I never expected any less. He was a perfect gentleman, and an ideal guy friend too. MUUAHHH.

There it is.. my special day in the sun, in my yard, with my famiy and my closest friends here. It does beat last year, even though I was with my other friends, I had more fun this year .. worry free, thanks to Bob.

Rob and Joe trying to start our fire..

Out of order...At the end of the night..being drunk

Amanda, Airhead and my sister..

No one has a pic like this I bet..

Thumbs up to the Fancy,Rum Drinks..
made with love alllllll night by Rob and Rod.

Be A Good Girl And Share~

2006-07-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

Day 1 Haley's Birthday Weekend

Today really is my Friday! I couldn't be happier waking up this morning, or getting off of work this afternoon because it is Haley's Friday! Normally Saturday's are my Friday..the beginning of a weekend.

My birthday is on Sunday, so the celebration starts tomorrow. As for today, we are going to "Uncle" Bert's surprise 40th birthday party. So technically it is his birthday weekend too. Therefore, I have to share this weekend with him. But I don't mind in the least. It gives us something to do tonight, and I really enjoy this part of Rob's HUGE family. These are all of his dad's cousins, and they are great to be around. They are layed back, loud, fun and all that other good stuff that goes with GREAT in-laws. I love family and I realize it more as I grow up and experience a whole different kind of family values with Rob and Co.

This is also the last post I will be publishing that will not have pictures. As of tomorrow my mama is taking my digital camera shopping for my birthday!!! I am sooooooooooo freakin' excited, it's ridiculous. People are going to see waaay too much of my face after tomorrow. But I think it's going to be a good thing.

Happy birthday Uncle/Cousin-Sorta Bert!!

Cutie Pie

2006-07-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

It was a dreary day today. The rain was on and off and so were the crowds of people at work. Needless to say, it was steady but not overly busy. This makes me happy? No I am a bit tired. I always feel like I did so much more when I close the place. Maybe it's the vacuuming.

I have to write about my little encounter with a young man. He wasn't cute, or my type what so ever. He actually looks like a person that I would be kind of.. "blahed" by I guess. I can honestly say that he went about complimenting me in a very nice fashion. I was flattered.

He's ordering food from me, and it's like he just realized what I looked like.... when he says, "you're a cute girl, ya know that.." I was very cool and collected. Normally any talk like this makes me blush and bolt. But I just said thank you. He told me that I pulled off the hippy skirt I was wearing, again I thank him. I thanked him for all the compliments, saying that I don't mind them in the least.

As I am cleaning tables he enters again, and I smiled, as I do to all the customers. He approaches me again, and says, "Now you've got me curious, but... do you have a boyfriend?" And of course, I say yes I do. He said "SHUCKS." I don't think I've heard that one in a long time or for anyone under the age of 60. He goes on to tell me to tell my boyfriend that he is a very lucky guy.

Well what a darling. I don't care if he was hitting on me, even though it didn't feel like it. I felt great after work. My head is about four sizes bigger than it was when I arrived at work this morning. I feel great about myself. Lately I have been feeling down on my body and looks. Every woman knows what I mean. I know I look alright, but I still feel like I look a bit shittier. My hair won't go up easily, my stomach looks like it's sticking out a bit farther... my legs are jiggling...my legs aren't jiggling..??

Another funny thing is that Rob isn't the type to ignore my looks. He is a little flattering machine.. He tells me that I am sexy or that my hair looks pretty all of the time. He is a sweetheart. It's funny that a complete stranger can make me feel good about myself just by complimenting. Woman are all screwy. (and not in the sicky way some people are thinking)

So I feel like I look "cute" today. Hell there's nothing wrong with that. You know why??

Cause I'm "cute", that's why!!

One Way Ticket

2006-07-07T16:14:00.000-07:00

I sure feel out of the loop. Well, the HomeTown Loop I guess it would be called.

I send e-mails to my friend's mom every once in awhile. She's always very good at replying and always very informative about how her life is going, how my friend is doing, and sometimes more. I guess it is called gossip. But it isn't delivered in a negative, gossipy kind of way. I actually look forward to my updates every once in awhile. I am never expecting them, which is also quite nice.

It is strange though, being out of place when it comes to Hinton, a town I grew up in for all of my life. Just like that, I am out.. and news that I hear doesn't get to me until weeks, even months later. I probably don't even hearthe gossip around here, really. When other people, locals.. talk about other locals around here it's almost coded.

"Joanne Legacy is pregnanat AGAIN with Pat O'Connel's baby. I wonder what Rick Williams thinks!"

See, that's a code. I have no idea who those people are, so automatically I void all information. D.G.A.F (don't give a f***) But when it's people I know..I am right in there. I guess that is one thing my friends back home and I will always share. The knowledge.. of growing up in the same place, same people..similar interests in the small town huraahs.

A person passed away in Hinton last week. The name sounds so familiar and I do have a picture of him in my mind. But I don't really know who it is. This disturbs me because I may know him through other friends... I don't know..it's just strange not knowing this sort of thing.

Obviously I didn't know him well enough because I would recognize the name.. if I had. I just feel badly for whoever he left behind.

On a happier note, I am pleased at the same time to not know about all the small town bullshit because I am here! FAR AWAY from all that crap...and I couldn't be happier with that. It's not that I feel like I am any better than the people still living in Hinton. I am just blessed because I got a free ticket out and I took it. I came to such a gorgeous place to call my home and I met my new life, Rob.

I am out of the loop, but in my own that is much more significant and important to my life.

Rob's parents will be here tomorrow, for a month... a warm, summery month. My brother is coming in August just before Rob and I leave for our summer holiday in T. Bay. I have much to look forward to and very little to look back at.. in ol' H-Town.

A Peak At Reality

2006-07-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

Victoria is a beautiful city. But there are some parts of it that aren't as appealing. Rob and I were walking from shop to shop soaking in the sun. We approached one building that was closed for the day. There was an entrance that was covered away from the heat and inside all we could see was a shopping cart, full of bottles and dirty blankets .. I didn't really notice. But beside it was a set of feet.. Someone sleeps there. A woman was hiding out from the sun just trying to have a nap. I know that these people make their own beds...or have problems or just made a lot of mistakes. Some have done nothing at all maybe just had a really hard life. Whatever the reason, it really helped me realize at my young age of 20... I have it pretty good. As I walked by I thought to myself, "and I have the nerve to complain about the dumbest shit...when someone is sleeping on the streets .. "

This just opened my eyes a little bit. The rest of the day was really pleasant. It wasn't outstanding, or action packed. But it was just nice to be able to walk around doing what we pleased.

Last night, July 1st.. Canada Day.. was also fun. We went down to the harbour where Kyli works. She got us all braceletts so that we could watch the fireworks on the marina. We sat out on a single dock, with no one else but us.. Rob sitting behind me, leaning over my shoulder.. and I snuggled back and just watched the bursting fireworks explode in front of me. The reflection against the water was magical. It was a wonderful way to celebrate another year in this beautiful, breathtaking country.

Today Rob taught me a new song to play on the guitar... Well roughly. I don't really know it well but the picture is of him teaching me. It's the new Dixie Chicks song.. "Not Ready To Make Nice". To be honest, we were laughing in the picture because he was showing me chord by chord..the song, "Dust In The Wind." Anyone who has seen "Old School" will get why we were laughing..

My sister caught a moment ... and I love how happy the both of us look.

Happy Day

2006-07-01T15:36:00.000-07:00

I have to say I love being Canadian!!

Happy day to my Rockin' Canada!

We're going to Victoria for the occasion and I will post more, with pictures!

Outside Looking In

2006-06-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

He politely interrupts with a soft knock from the inside of the house. His youngest daughter is having a quiet puff of her cigarette on the back patio. It’s dark and she can only see his silouhette.

“What are you doing out in the dark?” He asks.

“I’m just thinking. I like it out here at night. I’m okay..” She replies assuringly.

He tells her that he’s off to bed for the night, that he has to work early and for her to be quiet so he can sleep. He always had a tough time falling asleep. She secretly thinks it is because he doesn’t want to miss out on the rest of his
families’ lives. He would listen and wait for someone to talk loudly on the phone, or bang around in the bathroom. He liked getting up and telling them to be quiet.

As he closes the door, he smiles and realizes that his little girl is full of emotion and thought. She was always a good kid and with that had a smart head on her shoulders.

He enters the living room where his wife lays snoring on the couch, the two puppies surrounding her doing the same. The living room is dim and the t.v is far too loud for the average person to fall asleep to.

“Hey, Kim wake up. I’m going to bed.” He gently pats her shoulder with his solid hands. He shakes her a little rough, but she is used to his clumsy nature.

“What... I’m just..going to stay up for a little bit longer.” She whispers as she fights her head from falling back to her pillow.

His wife is very stubborn and always joins him an hour or so after him once she wakes up again. He calls the puppies to follow him down the stairs towards his bedroom. His feet drag over the plastic lining covering the stairs, as the dogs' nails click with each step. It’s a familiar noise to his oldest daughter and son watching tv in the sitting room. They know that this is warning to turn their tv down and their voices down on the telephone. One is always watching the tv while the other blabs to his girlfriend on the phone.

They get the more official warning, than the youngest. These two always seemed to cause him the most grief when it came to keeping it down at night. But he loved them just the same. Knowing that they were old enough to move out on their own, they were bound to make a little more noise.

“Okay guys, I’m going to bed. Keep the tv down and please don’t talk too loud on the phone tonight. No fighting with your girlfriend.” His voice with authority, but kindness at the mention of his son’s ugly break up.

They agree and go right back to what they were doing. Telling him to have a good sleep.

He enters his room and the dogs jump lazily up on the bed before him. Their tails wagging waiting for him to join them. He undresses and gets into his bed, wrapping the covers right up to his chest.

He sighs loudly as this is the first time he gets to really relax today. He lays their first with his eyes open, looking at the roof. He listens to all the normal noises of his house. His youngest is quietly slipping into the house, carefully clicking the back door closed. He smiles. The other two are quietly talking to one another. Their voices are muffled and faint, just as he’s used to. He can just hear his wife snoring on the couch. He smiles again. His life is fufilled. He has all that he has ever wanted. A nice, warm home to live in. A wife that loves him more than anything imaginable. He has three healthy, happy children that he raised with such care and understanding. He has his family. With that he rolls over and snaps his lamp off..

**Something I wrote in Rudi's point of view

Summer time..when the livins' easy..

2006-06-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

I have come to realize that I am enjoying my early mornings a lot more than I've ever before. I feel like I have too much to do in one day off that I actually need to get up at 8:00 so that I have a full day.

Yesterday was my favourite day in a long time. First, it was Rob and Haley's Sunday together which is always better than any day in Haley and Rob's Work Your Ass Off Week. We got up early and layed in bed just talking for a bit. I love those kinds of mornings where you've been up for an hour but you're still in bed chatting with each other. We got up and went to where I work for our cheap breakfast, and sat out on the patio in the already hot sun. We were trying to decide where we would go swimming when I figured out that we were already like all the locals around here. No one likes to swim in the ocean. Everyone's busy looking for pools, lakes...anything but the spectacular ocean that is Qualicum Beach.. Hence...the name of your freakin' town !!!

Our first journey to the beach was kind of like one of those..... "maybe we should scratch that one and start over.." We were bickering at one another for stupid reasons. (FYI- have my period!!!) So we left to make some sandwiches and basically to get out of the scorching sun. It is difficult to be bloated, bitchy, complaining non-stop in the heat of B.C to a person that doesn't care about any of the above and especially won't put up with non-stop complaining. Well excccccccccuse me for being grumpy! On the way home, there was a car that had the license plate.. BEHAPEE. Rob said that was for us, obviously. After that we both perked up.

Our friend James joined us at the beach for Round 2. We played botchie ball and frisbee on a sandbar in the ocean. It was just glorious out. I was chatting with regulars from work as they walked by and a lady with a dog just like my dad has. Apparently this makes me more outgoing and an expert.

Overly Happy Dog Expert Haley: "She's a beauty. Must be a pup. Yeah, she's adorable. You know those kind of dogs age well. You'll be very happy with her!"

W.T.F was I talking about??? Regardless Rob was beaming when I returned to the blanket. He thought it was a nice change from our first visit to the beach. It really was.

We hurried away from the beach by 2 so that we could visit my friend Lauren at her house to swim in her pool.

It was rated 14A, meaning her step mom and dad were there. Along with 5 year old Rudy and 1 year old Faith. These kids were so adorable. Rudy had blonde curly hair and was a complete host the entire time. We had a good time with him. He was showing us his motorized Jeep, from his baby chick Peepers. (which I thought I killed when he put it in my hands. Apparently baby chicks just pass out when they're warm. They fall right asleep instantly!!)

The day was awesome. The boys organized a little BBQ in the backyard while I made new cd's for myself. (mine were stolen, but I'm not getting into that!!!!) They set up a table in the grass with chairs and a fully set table to eat our dinner at. Sometimes men surprise me.

I had a heart to heart with Baby J. before she went to the beach. I dressed her up in all my clothes because like me she's burnt from head to toe. She needed something without straps...and a loose skirt. I am the skirt queen, so she came to the right place.

Summer is finally here. I am up so early today because I am planning on duplicating my yesterday, the best I can. I'm covered head to toe in aloe vera. I look like a shiny, glowing tomatoe..who is prepared for another HOT day by the pool in the sun.

Choi.

D-Day, or so I thought..

2006-06-19T11:27:00.000-07:00

Blogs are for personal thoughts without a care ... or consideration of who reads it. I may sound a bit crazy in this post but I can't care. Truth be told it!

A few nights ago Edmonton won their 6th game in the Stanley cup Finals to Carolina. I was ecstatic as this means that there really is a chance for Edmonton to win Stanley. They haven't won it all since 1990. And it has been ten years since Edmonton has even advanced into the conference final. So this is a really big deal for the Edmonton Oilers and their fans. When they won on Saturday, this made it possible for them to win tonight, game 7.. Lord Stanely's cup! Carolina was leading the series.. 3-1.. and for people who don't know what that means.. Edmonton had to win three games in a row and Carolina just needed one more victory and the cup was theirs. Well Edmonton has won 2 games now and tonight is the night.

Anyways, waaaay off topic. I was quite excited and I took to drinking some wine. I didn't drink as much as I usually do. The wine was left over from last week so I didn't drink an entire bottle or half for that matter. I "smoke" a little when I feel like it and so I went to doing that..

Rob's friend looked quite strange to me .. he was saying things that I couldn't really understand anymore. Rob was on my right singing Bob Marley songs.. No Woman No Cry..Three Little Birds. That was it, my head was spinning.. I couldn't function properly, let alone think at all. I just got up and headed for the bathroom. I layed there in a ball hoping that I would stop spinning and come to my senses. The next thing I knew, not aware of how much time went by.. Rob was in the bathroom with me. He was trying to move me, telling me to sit up. Instantly I began my puking marathon. Of course the toilet seat was down and I had messed all over the top and side of it..hitting the garbage for the last bit. I won't get into great detail about the puke and how many times I threw up. But it lasted awhile..an hour or two.

I can honestly say that I was so out of it that I really thought that I was dieing. I was finished on this earth and I was not going to be around anymore. This is the most terrifying feeling. I didn't know who I was, what I was, where I was... I didn't know anything. Finally I came to and Rob is telling me to breathe, to look at him..to focus on something, anything. Apparently I was convulsing and my eyes were rolling into the back of my head. This is because I was passing out with my eyes open, but at the time I probably looked like I was posessed. Like off of the Exorcist when she's puking green (pea soup) all over the room. In my case it was strawberries..lol. Yes I decided to eat an entire container of strawberries about fifteen minutes before my little trip. What I realized after I was out of it and "dieing".. was that Rob kept his cool the entire time. He held my head out of the toilet so that I wouldn't be gurgling in toilet water. He let me lay on my side and puke and then he would gently lift my head wipe everything off of the tile. Then he would wipe my mouth and face so that I was clean. Eventually I was starting to pass out and so he picked up my dead weight and put me on his side of the bed. He undressed me and got me some water, which I refused to drink. I woke again at 4 and he was sitting up behind me making sure I was breathing.. Wow.

The first thing my mom said when I told her this story wasn't what I thought it would be. She said, "You keep this one." And she is totally right. For a bit I was questioning myself. Was I good enough for him. He showed me so much love and devotion, was I giving him the same? I felt like I was lacking the involvement and care in our relationship. I was taking Bob for granted. I loved him the whole time but I was questioning it for much of it.

NOW I am sooooo happy. I am SOOOOOO in love. I think that night had to happen because I needed to realize it. I think that these unfortunate things happen in life, like getting so f*ct up and puking all over myself, for a reason, to help us realize what we have. I have a beautiful life. I need to get my head out of the "doubt" hole and live my life!

All day yesterday I felt so strange. Most likely I was just really hung over and weak. But Rob let me be lazy while he tidied up our house. He did something like four loads of laundry. As the night progressed I thought for some reason that this might be my last night. Maybe I was so happy because I was meant to die tonight. What?? I don't know where this insecurity came from but it was certainly there. I told Rob to check on me if he woke in the middle of the night to make sure that I was okay. He promised. He looked concerned that I was thinking this but not once did he question me, doubt me.. he respected my crazy concerns and went to bed. Wow.

I'm lucky. For being so crazy, I should be alone and I am the opposite of that. I have everything and everyone I love in my life. (- one) !

I think I am afraid of dieing because of Rudi. I think that I fear the unknown because I know that I am not ready to go. Rudi wasn't ready to go if you asked him a month before he was diagnosed..he would have said "Hell no! I want to live my life!" Let's be honest, most people aren't ready to go. They might accept their fate..but they weren't ready. So I fear death because it could be at any time.. I am not completely weird where I won't fly in a plane or drive in a car in fear of an accident. But I think I was so aware of the death issue yesterday because it was Father's Day. I mean I really thought I was dieing the other night. That is some scary stuff.

I feel like I really went through something major. I feel renewed, saved and refreshed. I feel like celebrating my life.. I need to take time to celebrate the fact that I am breathing and experiencing life. A lot of people take things for granted.

Take a minute to just breathe and be thankful for it.

The Scoop

2006-06-14T16:28:00.000-07:00

She's home from T.Bay. I missed her. AND her results came back.. Baby J. is A-O.K

I'm very relieved. I'm sure she is too. She looks to be right back to her normal self.

Hi Nono

2006-06-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

This is Nono. Polineo Fortinato Carniato. (I wrote it how it is pronounced because I don't know the true spelling. I even looked it up on the search engines, but I couldn't figure it out. Sorry.)

Nono passed away one year ago today.

Rob really looks up to this guy. He's one reason why Rob ended up moving to B.C. Of course I like to think of it as Nono sent Rob here so that he could have a new start..

I was asked to pray for him today. What I did was more of a "Dear Nono" outloud. It went well. I was sitting out in the backyard at our plentiful garden, that we are letting grow wild.

Nono and I, we talked a bit. I didn't hear him but I felt like he was listening.

"Thank you Nono, for being apart of Rob's life in such a way that he wouldn't be who he is without having known you. I love who Rob is and for everything that he stands for. I know that you had a lot to do with that. You are a good person and it is the ones like you that go before us.. and it hurts and effects us so much that you are never forgotten. You will live on in those lives you touched. Therefore, Mr. Carniato you will live on forever."

Thank you for touching my life with the people you loved with all of your heart.

The Key

2006-06-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

This is Rob before I met him. But I just love
this picture of him.

This morning I don't have to work until 10:30. I am happy about getting the extra morning time in. But I think my boss is yankin' me around getting me to do closing shifts when I used to always, always open. Oh well, we'll see how that pans out later.

I actually find it refreshing to write before I go to work. I find that in the mornings, or prior to work I am always really appreciative of my extra time and of course Robert. I always think about how much I would miss him if he was always away. When I am at work I am not really missing him as much because I am busy and he's not usually there. But when I am at home and he's at work I really think about him a lot. Especially when I wake up and reach over and feel an empty space my heart just sinks. It really does and I realize that this is almost sappy but it's the truth. I am so sucky in the mornings. All I want to do is cuddle or just latch onto the side of his arm or have him put his arms around me. It is the warmest, SAFEST place I have ever been. I swear terrible things could be happening outside and all around us and I'd still feel right where I need to be in Rob's arms.

I just think about what it would be like without him and it upsets my stomach. I take him for granted when he's playing his electric guitar with the amp turned right up while I'm watching t.v. Haha. I take him for granted when he's singing like Led Zepplin to comercial tunes or this is the best... his own made up tunes. I do take him for granted but only because he is right there. When we are apart I certainly do not take him for granted by any means. And I think that is the key right there.. Some people do not appreciate their partners when they're not even there. To me this is outrageous because I can't imagine doing so. When Rob went back to T.Bay for Christmas I missed that bugger so much. I still remember having to drive home after dropping him off and not being able to see the road through my tears. I was scared to drive in an unfamiliar place and I was so sad having him gone for ... two minutes.

Last night I declared to him out of the blue.. "we're going to do everything together.." Holidays, weddings, day in and day out... it's going to be the two of us from now on. We'll buy our first home, have babies... have neices and nephews.. together. I know I sound lame but I am just realizing that this really is it. That I will not have to look any further because this is my life. I am really and honestly so excited about it too. I know I can't rush into anything. But I really like where we are right now. Our financial situation is okay. We aren't horridly broke or starving. We aren't rollin' in the cash either. But we're making it. I've never felt so useful in a household in my entire life.

I am happy. I was worried for a bit that I wasn't as happy as I had hoped to be. But I just sat back with those thoughts. I let life take me by the hand and show me that ... this really is an amazing man that I am with. That he loves me unconditionally and will never hurt me. I saw what my life will be like with him and I really like it. I am in love with my life.

I think that people search for years for what I have right now. I am very blessed to have it so soon. Though I know that it will take lots of work, patience and understanding to make anything really successful. And I plan on doing all of those things and some. A good friend told me that the best life is one with a good man, some happy babies... A home to go to.. She is right and I see that now.

I couldn't be happier...................

.....welllllll if maybe Edmonton made it right this Stanley Cup Finals.. then I'd be the happiest!

My friend August

2006-06-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

I am at the end of my work week and this is a relief. Again I think because it's summer time I am in a party mood. I also think that most people like to get their drunk on after a week of working hard. Every other day or so I check on Erin's MSN Space to see how she's doing in T.Bay She posts her pictures of whatever she's up to on it.

I find I am drawn to her life there and am curious to see how she's doing. I watch how happy she is with all of her friends and how much fun she's having. And all I want is to be there, with her. I want to be around that many girls my own age again. I haven't had a really great time like that with fellow ladies in over a year. I know that I am growing up and that is to be expected. But even when I look onto the other blogs I find the same thing. Of course not as frequent as Erin, as she is nineteen. But the fun is still there and more often than it is for me.

Am I jealous? No. Maybe a little. But not in a negative way... if that's even possible. I just really want to have fun like that again. I find it nearly impossible here. I wonder why. I know that Rob holds me back a bit when it comes to going out because he doesn't have much fun with the girls that I hang out with. His options are fairly low... when it comes to friends for him. But I can't help but think that he is also quite picky when it comes to him choosing new friends. I wish I could just tell him, "Honey, you'll never meet guys like your buddies back home..But there are more out there!" Another thing that holds me back is responsibility. To go off on a binge again would be highly expensive and shiiiiit I know I don't have it!

I don't know if it's Rob and Erin .. but they seem to have a shit load of friends. I always thought it was a guy thing. My brother always had a lot of friends since he was in grade school. My sister and I had a handful of friends that we really liked, but as the years go by we slowly lose touch with all of them but one or two. Guys just seem to be really good at keeping their buddies. It's the whole male/female differences when it comes to friends that I am sure everyone in the world is aware of. Women are dramatic and mean. Men are stupid and fun. It's that simple. Male friendships are kept simple. Women friendships are mainly complicated. That's the difference.

I wonder though when I look at Erin.. Her friendships certainly don't lack drama, but she has lots of friends. And she's still friends with all of them. I see all these girls in all of her pictures and I wish so badly that if I ever went back to Hinton I would have that many girls partying with me and lovin' on me. But the fact is... I wouldn't. When I went back to Hinton Carmelle cut our visit short because her boyfriend's birthday was the next day. Maybe if she realized that we wouldn't see each other for a long time, that she would've stayed for me. Oh well. Another friend had an opportunity to come and didn't because she ... didn't give a shit and I guess she never really did. I mean..her and I were friends but it was a bullshit friendship full of betrayal and deceit... LOL SEEEEEE!!!! I just went off topic completely because my friendships were complicated!!

I am not negatively jealous of Baby J. I just wish that I could have as many good friends as she. But I guess this is my opportunity to build on the ones I have. Though I always say I am going to and never do. I also look at it this way... If Rob and Erin have loads of friends, then I can come and visit in the summer like I am.. and become their friends too.

Seeing all the friends that Erin has does get me really excited for meeting all of them. I bet I'll have a blast in T.Bay. Rob has a lot of people for me to meet so I can't help but be bubbling with anticipation and excitement. I can honestly say that I would rather go there than Hinton anyday. These people look like so much fun.

Even though I get a sort of hollow feeling when I look at the pics, I still feel a tickle of excitement too. So it evens out which means... I can't wait for August!!!

One Fear Conquered..

2006-05-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

Today we decided to show Rob's friend, Squizz around to all of the hot spots around us..
First we took him to the beach to pick up some more sea shells for his girlfriend. I also introduced the boys to the strange holes in the sand that you jump beside and water shoots up at you instantly. My cousin Sam calls them "gooey ducts.." I have no idea if that is actually what they are.. He is pretty smart so I wouldn't put it passed him. Then we checked out Cedar Grove..where all the big trees are, and then to Qualicum Falls.. After all of that we re- energized ourselves at a convenient store with ice cream/a nasty old pita sandwich/beef jerkey and headed on to the Horne Lake Caves (my fear)..

This is my lame pose..

See you can actually get inside of
the trees here..

This is the view going onto Cameron Lake..
and I thought it was also quite the pose!!

And no..this isn't a background pic
from Wal Mart..

Squizzzzzzz

Now for the caves. HOLY SHIT!!

It was quite the experience..but
I am glad I went along for the ride

Rob being INSANE!

This just shows how the caves look inside...

Smile pretty in a confined space!!

"do you think cougars live in these
here caves???"

Happy 22nd BOB

2006-05-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

Part 3 of Rob's B'Day Weekend..His actual Birthday!!
May 28, 2006

The happy little couple infront of
some fancy green, green, green
trees on the way home from Vic..

I told them to "show me some
love"...and this is how they stood??
I don't understand men!

This is the beach in Parksville...

Some crazy wooden something or other proves to
take a nice pic with people..

I find that I look quite sickly beside my beast
like boyfriend..

I'm not sure if Squizz knew I was in this pic
with him..LOL, it looks like I was added in after
the picture was taken..

Scenic Tours

2006-05-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

DAY 2 Of Rob's B'Day Weekend
May 27, 2006 (Edmonton WINS!! btw)

Starting out after we set up camp to find China
Beach.... 1.2 km walk..

The view from up up up...

The walk wasn't so bad.. and it
was very rewarding..

Rob and I right before the beach..

The beach!! It was so beautiful.

It really was breathtaking

My sister and her cute little family..

Lets Get Our Drunk On Shall We..?!!

2006-05-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

DAY/NIGHT 1 of Rob's B'Day Weekend
May 26, 2006 (Happy 20th Carmelle!!!!!)

Toooooo happy...

Ahh, that's much better

Awww, Ky LOVES Robo Drunk

Joe and I pretending to like eachother..
I'm gonna eat your soul!! -Rob.

Rob's buddy Squizz and Ky..

Da Boyzzzz

I didn't mean to grab man tit-eh..but
I fear I did..

Brothers to be one day

Check out how red our faces are ...
from dancing and Drinking!

Cheers boys!

I think we were the entertainment..
Bye Bye Everybody!!

Visual Updates

2006-05-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

She's in the hospital??

Keepin' her spirits up..

Eyes Open

2006-05-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

Well today I didn't end up going to work. I stayed with the family and did what I could do to help, which was basically be a support system. Rob and I had a few tuffles throughout the day but finally I burst into a few tears, not many.. that I was in fact not doing well. I was trying hard to be strong because I know that I am supposed to be because he needs me. But that it was really getting to me and that I was really uneasy about the entire ordeal.

I got to see Baby J. today and she looks great. She looks tired and sick of waiting around for answers. But her skin is really tanned from our days out at the beach and the lake just last week. She is such an inspirational little thing. Mama J. was saying that she is saying that everything happens for a reason. She's ready for whatever this is and she just wants to find out what is up. I agree.

The doctor doesn't think that it looks like .. this type of cancer that I am not sure of.. the name. He said it was quite strange looking, nothing he had ever seen before. This is why he sent it away to be tested. He isn't really able to give us his "personal opinion" I don't think . This alerts me only because ... could it be a tumor??? No one has said the word yet.. I can't help but think that this is a possibility.

I hate to say this... but it sort of reminds me of when Rudi got sick. The three possibilities were.. M.S, a stroke or a tumor. And I remember asking God for a tumor, because that could be removed. Yeah.... and we all know how that ended. I know this is an entirely different situation, but it is hard for me to avoid these thoughts.

Erin is in a ward with three other older ladies..she calls them the "golden girls". She is making their days brighter with her sunny personality. There's a reason why she's there. I believe she is there to make a difference in people's lives... to make them smile and to help them remember that they too can be youthful and positive just like Erin.

And.. it could turn out to be nothing much at all. Just something to scare the hell out of a lot of people. And I know for a fact that Erin knows a lot of people and that she has lots of friends that care about her. I also know that she's been kind of spatting with a few of them, and this could ultimately end that. OR it could open the girl's eyes and help her realize that she doesn't need some of those people anymore.

Either way this experience will be an eye opener to quite a few individuals. Funny how life works. Right when things get normal... life goes BANG.... remember how lucky YOU are!!

Chin Up Kid.

2006-05-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

Today I feel...

At work today I was asked a few times to smile by Annette. Later on she finally asked me what was up...or if I was feeling down today. I was just deep in thought I guess. Possibly tired as well..

Yesterday a teary-eyed Erin came into work holding her side, not knowing what to do. I sent her with my car to the doctor's. Later on, she went to the hospital where she waited six hours to get looked at. The edge was on for all of us... well for me and I know for mom because she was really worried about her. Her parents of course were involved through the telephone, feeling helpless for her. I just felt this need to know what was going on.. and all I wanted to do was help. I couldn't help but keep her in my mind. Poor Lil' Baby J.

Amanda, her roomy phoned us at 11:30 just as my body and mind let me slip into sleep. Erin went into surgery and the nurses sent her home. My car's headlights apparently weren't working so we had to hop into the truck and pick her up... about a 25 minute drive. Again, not anyone's fault as we both had to remind ourselves as we got lost looking for the damn mall she was near. Once we returned from our little adventure, we crashed with five hours of sleep ahead of us before we started our new day of work..and wonder.

Erin had an infection of her lymphnodes.. around her abodminal area. They're doing a biopsy on what they removed from the surgery.. And all we can do is wait and see what the test results are. I worry for a number of reasons. Well..it's not my business to discuss really.. but someone in the family had cancer in the lymphnodes, so right there is a bit of an issue. I just really don't want her to have to think about that until she finds out what the infection was caused from.. or what it is...etc. Also I know that her parents are really torn up about it. She was supposed to go home to them tomorrow and now won't be able to. Mama J. might come to give Erin some much needed TLC. I hope she comes too then.. the little one will feel a lot better. Erin is very head strong and I know that she can handle this kind of thing like a champ. She impresses me very much. She has the right attitude and mind set when it comes to these kinds of problems. I really have to say that I respect her tons for it. If this was me.. I'd be quite a wreck.

I just can't help the way my thoughts are sorting themselves right now.. I also can't help how I feel about lots of things at this time. Like any person..I feel badly when I think of myself during a time like this.. Like.."why are you thinking of yourself when Erin and her family are all concerned about her.." But I just couldn't help it. Just the discussions Rob and I had about it. I was worried about her and voiced it to Rob. And I'm not sure if he was upset about her..or not, but he reacted like, "she'll be fine because she's not a pussy when it comes to this kind of thing." Then he caught himself basically calling me a wuss. He tried to go back and say that this isn't how he felt about me..but I can't help but think it was. Does he really think that about me? I also felt like ... he doesn't want me that involved because it's not my sister .. it is his. But I also don't think that this is the case because he knows that I love her like my own. Like I said..I'm full of emotions and I think this is what kept me so quiet and to myself at work today.

I love Erin and all I want for her is to get out of this okay. I just heard that Mama J. is in fact coming, so I am quite thrilled for everyone. Having her here will certainly help the entire situation. Hopefully Mr. will be okay alone in T.B worrying about his lil' girl.

I also hope that my thoughts will settle down because they are really bothering me. I'm more confused with my feelings... At times I just feel like bursting into tears and I can't even figure out why. Oh well.. these things happen and I guess we all react to them differently. I just hope Rob can understand that I am a bit of a wuss and I wasn't raised to be strong and sturdy like him and his sister. Everyone's different.

Her Day Out

2006-05-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day was a great success. Because my sister and I know mom so well we played our cards just right..

There are a few key points to getting my mom out and about where she is relaxed at her destination and not eager to leave.
1. Mom must be aware not too much in advance nor too soon that she is going somewhere we have planned.
2. It will be a total bomb if we take her to a crowded place where there are lots of people on..any given day, but especially not on Mother's Day.
3. Keeping it a secret is also important because then she can't make up any excuses not to go..
4. Giving her subtle hints here and there keep her from making up excuses not to go.
5. We had everything planned and she didn't have to do one thing.
6. We left her alone for one hour and one hour only..so that she couldn't make up any excuses not to go AND she could sit there and wonder.
7. I hate to say this..but we made sure that we packed her two beers for her troubles and because we know that she enjoys them.
8. We didn't push any "real" food on her like sandwiches or potato salad... We served her cantaloupe, pepperoni sticks and watermelon.

I made my mom a cd this year for Mother's Day. I filled it with all of her and Rudi's songs..from the eighties, the nineties..and the whatever the 2000's are called.. I also put happy music on there in between the sad ones.. that I know will make her cry. And I know that it's not terrible of me to put the sad ones on there. I love to cry some days.. I like to pop in a cd fully aware that it will most likely make me tear up. Sometimes I need a good crying. She does too. I also put songs on there.."Won't Back Down" Tom Petty and said that it was her song to the world!! I wrote out each song, the artist and the reason I put the song on the cd. This way she has an idea of how to use the cd. She isn't too swift when it comes to the cd players. She's more afraid of them.. like they'll jump out and bite her if she does something wrong. It's cute. But she's learning. Rob went and picked her out an anklet for me.. and chose an adorable pink one that is the same style as mine. He also mowed the lawn for her for her present from him.

The cd really meant something to me. As I am sure it means something to her as well. It isn't just a cd... Music can speak volumes to people and it has for me in tough times. So I really hope that she gets that cd in the dvd/cd player ("yes mom they do play both kinds, I promise..") and plays a few of those songs that I put time into burning for her. It is already worth it though, because I know that she's fairly curious about listening to some of the songs AND she's also going to have one of those days where she just feels like crying to sappy, sad music.

"Cry and sing along mama... and laugh and sing along... and dance and sing along..but not too much because you might hurt your back. "

Here we are at the lake..enjoying our picnic..

Again..but in the lake..beautiful day!

Mom and Rob .. walking to check the water..

Looks like she enjoyed it..

" This was the best mother's day I have ever had... no one has ever gone and surprised me like this. I will never forget today." -mom

I like

2006-05-09T16:03:00.000-07:00

Today I am just going to write..

I was looking at , "Sticking To The Point" and I decided that there are so many things in this world that I really like..

I like putting my toes in the ocean..and digging them deep beneath the sand. I also like when I take them out ... and they're clean and untouched.

I like that I live a two minute drive to the ocean..or a fifteen minute walk.. I like sitting in my car with the window opened listening to the sounds of the beach.. And sometimes I get out and take a little unplanned venture out onto the beach if the tide is out.. The other day I felt like getting right up there close to the water..right onto the hot sand. I wrote a message in the sand with a stick..and I wrote it nice and big and then I admired it. I plan on returning and writing something else in the sand. I find it therapeutic and calming.. When I miss him I'll write him a message.. and when I feel like saying hello maybe I'll just write HEY TO YOU UP THERE!

I like the freedom of my life. Where I live.. I don't have to worry about tornadoes or hurricanes.. I worry that it might rain and it won't be as nice to look at tomorrow..

I like that my mom and I are so close. That when she has to come over for the day because her car is getting fixed I get excited knowing that she can't leave until it's finished. I like spending time with her on my turf, in my house. I am proud to have her here, napping on my bed, drinking my juice out of my fridge. She deserves every damn sip she takes too..

I like a long, flowing skirt in the summer when the breeze is just right.. Or running down stairs and it fans out elegantly.

I like pretty toes with polish.. and a subtle silver band on one or two.. (And I HATE feet..but I can appreciate some pretty girl feet when I see 'em.)

I like other people's well behaved kids. It shows me that the parents really have great control over their children..and are raising them well.

I like looking out into my backyard and seeing a fuzzy bunny eating the plants..

I also like writing.. just writing about whatever I feel like.. About anything at all. I like to let my thoughts run wild through my fingertips.. And then later I find that I can re-read what I've written over and over again and I am completely entertained each time..

I like the idea of marriage. Something that isn't easy but is a great reward when it is fufilled honestly..and happily.

I like love and what results because of it.. kids, memories, laughter and lessons.

I like love that lasts..

I like so much these days that I wouldn't know how to stop if I wanted..

Another Round Over Here

2006-05-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

Ahh, the taste of a cold brew against my lips is enough to get me goin'. I love summertime. For one it is the beginning of enjoyable days to come. Unfortunately the day wasn't as sunny and warm as I had hoped. But it didn't stop us from going out and exploring as we always promise ourselves we'll do.

First stop was Spider Lake..and later on Horne Lake. To be honest, I liked Spider Lake's appearance more because there were more picnic tables and spots for us to lay around, if the weather was permitting. Horne Lake Caves... wow. Those are a bit too much on the scary scale for me. I have to say that I was intrigued when Rob popped his head in between the rocky walls and disappeared seconds later. I was a little frightened at first but can see us returning with the proper materials to venture on in. Again, this was a time for when a digital camera would've been appropriate. Unfortunately that isn't coming until July.. from mama. I have to say that I enjoyed the venture to all of these places. What woke me up and brought me to life the most was.... sitting outside at the Beach House Restaurant Patio for a couple of beers. It just woke me up inside a little bit. I want to party again!! I have been quiet for awhile and I feel like I need to do some damage. Haha..nothing serious. Just dance... mingle with people.. and possibly make some new friends.

Rob doesn't love the idea but I do!! For his birthday we are going to go camping with my sister and Joe. And this is something we are both really looking forward to. Considering they are the only two that Rob seemed to really like here so far. My friend is back from travelling that lives here. The only thing with that is that we don't work together anymore so our friendship is based on what we had before she left. The distance has had an affect on our friendship I am sorry to say. When I have seen her, which is only twice and while I was working we didn't really know what to say to each other. It was how I feared it would be. I have to break that barrier and just phone her one of these days and make some plans to get together.

But.... I feel like something is holding me back from really getting me out there. I need to go and pursue some friendships so that my days off aren't just me doing errands and wondering who I would be calling if I still lived in AB. I would most likely phone a buddy to go for lunch with...or someone to do something with to kill the time. Another thing is that I always put the boyfriend first which is normal but healthy?? I think about my new friends that I have made and I wonder what keeps them in my life? I occasionally phone one of them when I am drinking to invite them out. And when they come it's fun and I gab at her.. But that's it. What do I really have to offer these new friends.. I say the people around here are kind of squares..but what am I then? A snob? Too good? These are things that I wish not to be.

I need to be more friendly and get out and about more... Maybe invite some of these new friends out during the day when I have not much to do. I need to stop stressing about if they will have fun with me. I need to gain some more confidence and worry less about the small..irrelevant details.

I raise my beer to maintaining my friendships, making new ones and getting me and Rob out more often!

Filling the Pages..

2006-05-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

I have returned full time to write out my feelings daily and I couldn't be more excited. Our computer is now hooked up here at our house in Q.B.

The house is silent and that is strange for me, to be writing in silence again. I love uninterrupted writing, it is the best kind there is..

"Relationships are so much work, but are so rewarding when they work out.." I wrote that to a friend today. There is so much truth to that. I think that there is a lot of excess that needs to be sorted out in any relationship. I know that with me there was a lot of trust issues, with my mom she had three kids to deal with a father that wasn't there anymore and a new one that was.. I know that other people have to face such things as different beliefs or religions, feuding in laws, etc. The list really goes on. We are put on this earth for a number of reasons. But there is a very important one.. and that is to find that someone that .. understands us, who loves us for what we have been through and more so for what we have become. I am loved for who I am and that leaves me dazzled and elated. I have found someone that sees something in me that I am not even aware of. I look in the mirror some days and wonder why he looks at me the way that he does.. But I trust it. I allow myself to feel beautiful, flawless. I know that he sees me like no one else has and I can feel his love everyday that I share with him.

I can't say that I understand how it is supposed to work. I do understand that we come across different people in our lives and become infactuated with them.. We even believe that we are in love when in fact we are not. Or we are in love but with the wrong person, entirely. I believe that I have been in love in the past. I know what it's like to love and be betrayed. I know what it's like to pretend to love just to feel loved back. I also know what it's like to be in love, playing house and believing in someone that isn't even old enough to know himself yet. I am in love again. A different love this time.. I am in love after the bills are payed, after company has left.. I am in love after a senseless fight that we didn't let get too out of hand.. This kind of love is different from the rest because it is realistic. I feel grown up. Even though I have yet so much more to learn, so much more to grow myself. I feel that Rob and I are strong enough to grow together.. successfully together.

This relationship has already taught me more than any other.. In the short six or seven months that we have been together I know more about myself and life.. I think the two of us work well together. We are in love and that is clear to our family and friends and we are excited about each other. We have this new life in front of us.. blank pages ahead in a very large book...

We've got it all and we haven't stopped smiling since it began.

This weekend at Chips..

Last weekend at Sushi Restaurant..

Last weekend where the times are Irish..

I'm Likin' It..

2006-04-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

I am now caught up on meeting Rob's entire famliy. And I am relieved that I have and am saddened that they are leaving tomorrow.

My life has been turned upside down.. and I kind of liked it. I liked having so many people around. Our life has been go go go...and we haven't stopped yet since the family reunited on the 12th.. But it's been nice to be busy. I said to Rob the other day... when I'm busy I'm tired and when I'm not I'm bored...you'll never win! It's true. So for now I am tired to be honest and am looking forward to some quiet time with my boy. I am going to miss his folks a lot though. Iam so used to having them around that the place will seem entirely empty when they leave...

I find it so refreshing meeting Rob's family because I learn more and more about him each time. He is so much like his mom. She's goofy and so outgoing.. And then he's a lot like his dad with his consideration and warm heart. His parents are so giving.. and that must be where Rob gets it.

Rob and I took his parents to Victoria for the weekend. They've never been and they really enjoyed themselves I think. We took them to Irish Times Pub and they were tappin' their toes and slappin' their hands against the table to this great Celtic Band. We had the best seat in the house, right beside the band. Rob and I danced to the song, "Into The Mystic". It's my sister and her boyfriend's wedding song to be.. We love it too now and didn't care who watched us dance. We got rid of everyone else in the bar and just danced.. I loved it.

Our weekend was a bit crazy but at the same time we had a great time. That's how life has been for me lately; crazy but I'm likin' it.

Family in Vic..smilin' pretty

Being Brats..

Just Us

The harbour

Family Portrait Updates.

2006-04-11T16:03:00.000-07:00

Rob and I with aunty bob in our yard

Kyli's family

Linc and Jessica

Me and My new baby!

Driver's Seat

2006-04-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody!!

The updates with my lil ol' life..

Erin and Rob spoke the other day. He decided to give her a shout and talk things through. And about a day before that I wrote her an e-mail letting her know that the entire ordeal we had last week wasn't something I was still upset about..etc.

So the verdict was in and she was happy to have us back in her life. We are so pathetic.. one week out of each other's lives and we were all so happy about being able to talk to one another again!! I can honestly say that I do miss the hell out of her. She was a ray of sunshine at the house when I was bored or things were dull.. I would come home from work everyday and find Erin in the kitchen cooking bacon or a Sidekick and we'd have our little chat about how our day was or...anything really. We spoke on the phone each saying that we loved eachother and that we were sorry how everything happened. But I am glad that things really worked out the best for us. We then took over a mattress for her to sleep on . We went up to their cute little place and found the saddest display of a mattress .. and made her a great big comfy bed for her to find when she got home. She was pleased. See.. She then realized how amazing a bed is when she didn't have it for a week. I guess we all learn a little something from .. every unpleasant thing that happens to us..

We had mom and aunt B. and Erin and Amanda over for dinner the following night. We were like hens in a barn..cluckin' away at eachother.. Us girls were so happy to be around one another again that we just couldn't stop talking... Erin brought over a couple of her sweaters that I loved and a pair of pants that I also loved to wear of hers. She is so sweet!! I really did miss that little girly.. The parents are coming on Wednesday and I am excited to return so that I can document how that is going. I will make sure to take lots of pictures to post.

I also got my car!! And I couldn't be more pleased with it. It is so new looking inside. I intend to keep it that way as well. I already have a no smoking ban on the car.. as well as so far.... no eating has been done in it yet. But I know that this will end as soon as we have a road trip. But Rob asked as he was driving if he could have a piece of steaming hot, cheesy, greasy pizza... Ummmm Nooooo you can't honey. Haha..so funny. I feel so grown up I guess you could say, though that makes me feel like such a kid just for saying it... I was never the girl to imagine walking down the isle, the guests looking at me with beaming smiles.. Oh no. But I did imagine the feeling I would get, slipping into my own vehicle for the first while.. How I would pull out of my parking spot, feeling like I was finally in control of my life... of where I want to go next. And to be honest it is really like that.. that is how I am feeling when I get into my car.. I feel in control of it all and I like it.

The Driver Seat is where I am perched for the time being and it is where I like to be..

The girls at their very own kitchen table..

My Erin .. Baby J.. hangin' out her window.

Moving Forward

2006-03-28T18:23:00.000-08:00

Yuck. This weekend has left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not really going to get into it. All I can say is that in the end, the entire living situation with Little J and her friend resulted in a big ugly blow out. It was unkind and unfortunate.. but it happened and there's no erasing that now. All I can really say is that I hope that we all get something good out of the negative situation we faced on Saturday.

Now that the girls have their own place Rob and I have a quieter home. I miss having the girls around because they were like my own little, live-in friends. But for now, that is not the case. I am finding more Haley time now that the house is down to two. Rob doesn't get off of work until 5 and I usually get about... two hours to myself. And I have been using the time to do my exercises...that I have roughly made up for myself. I hope to improve my little routine with knowledge..and ways that I can work on different parts of my body. We are also turning the spare bedroom into a comfy, little guest room especially for when Rob's parents come in April. But also the room is for me to have my own space which is also something that I downplayed when the girls lived here...but now am realizing how great it is going to be to have.

Today for instance, I came home from work and got right into my exercises. I took my time and stretched, doing some embarrassing stretches, almost yoga style that I would NEVER do in front of another human being in my life. Not even Rob. Then I showered and for some reason hung out in the bathroom putting my makeup on, and doing my hair into different updoes. I sound like such a little teenager... But I didn't care it was fun. I put a little outfit together, quite fashionable. I would even take a pic and poste it if I could. I actually look like I know what I'm doing for once. I am getting bolder I can say that. That's what this island does to people...brings out that little quirky side in everyone. Or the "who gives a fuck" side.. I should say..

Life is still going well.. I get my new car on Friday hopefully. Either way I get it within the week. I am sad with the way that the girls moved on.. but I am happy for them despite everything that happened.. I hope that they are excited about starting out on their own as well.

What can I say about it all.... Every little thing is gonna be alright..

Breathe

2006-03-22T17:05:00.000-08:00

Still in awe that I am living here. I don't think I will get over this until years from now, when I can honestly say I've lived here longer than in Alberta. Everything is different.

In Victoria there's this huge four story mall that is not even really visable when walking the streets of Vic. Apparently every store along the strip is part of the mall once entered, but I didn't realize this until I walked into "The Bay"... It was like the part in Harry Potter when he sees Diagon Alley for the first time.. There are different shops everywhere, not to mention the place is packed... Or..how about Munchkin Land in the Wizard of Oz. Except for the whole .. black and white to colour... It was just so unexpected.. Rob and I looked from left to right and then alllllll the way up to the fourth level. I have never seen a mall like this one. Everything feels different. The people, the weather, beliefs... clothing..culture.. it's so diverse.

My life alone has changed... Meeting Rob has completely turned my world upside down.. I can't even explain it. When I think of him.. it doesn't matter if I am sweating from making three turkey bacon wraps with everything on it.. to go, or doing my excruciating ab work outs on the living room floor..I smile. That man will always be able to do that for me. I will think of him..or I will have a flashback of a face he made the night before and I can't help but smile. The great part of it all, is that I don't even realize I am smiling until I think about it.. or someone asks me what I'm smiling about.. It really is a beautiful thing..

So I am basically at a point in my life where I am amazed at how quickly everything changed.. at how happy I am..

I have ambitions and goals now that I never had before. Things that I never dreamed of doing..or ideas that I never thought I was capable of .. I am a new person and I have Rudi to thank, for ultimately sending us here, alone, without distractions from former boyfriends, or friends..

Just mom and I.. alone to face this new, refreshing life.. surrounded by the never ending water..that is our life..

Who knew breathing could ever feel this good?

Sunshine of Tomorrow

2006-03-13T16:10:00.000-08:00

So many things going on..

The weather is a bit more crisp. But it is definetly changing and I really am looking forward to this summer.

Rob and I went out on our Sunday.. to Little Mountain to look at our beautiful view and take some pictures with Rudi's old camera. It takes beautiful pictures! We also took pictures of the view from all of these different roadside turnouts on our way to Nanaimo of the ocean. I just love it.

Rob and Erin are butting heads quite a bit lately and it is hard on the middlemen...aka, Amanda and myself. Like I mentioned before Amanda is Erin's buddy that is living with us for awhile. She's a total sweety. I have my own opinion of the entire situation with Rob and Erin, but it's between them and I keep my mouth shut..to both of them. I am a good listener..and I like to leave it at that. They'll get through it and then Erin and Amanda will move on and that is what will save their relationship. It's going to be okay though. It's another challenge for Rob and I .. and we are getting through it just fine.

The update on the '86 Honda Accord needs a new transmission. Luckily, Grannie and Grandpa have a sweet older couple next door that are selling their car. It's a '96 Sunfire, only owned by them, automatic, four door, perfect interior, 140 000 km, new tires and windshield, frequently checked oil, tranny fluid and flushed rad , etc.. good on gas and they want to move and sell their vehicle A.S.A.P.. for $2000.00 WOOOHOOO So I will have it in my possession on April 1st!

Everything worked itself out again and I can't help but think that someone is watching over us. Rudi likes Rob, I can tell. He'd let me know if he didn't like him. Or if he thought it was going nowhere.. (remember the roll over...hmm, hmm...) He approves. I know this because Rob knows that he needs to prove to Rudi still that he's a good man for me and he's told me that.

Things are going to be good. Rob's mama and papa are coming for a visit in April. I look forward to meeting Mama J. So much that the anticipation is getting the best of me. The woman responsible for Rob and Erin. Hehe..it'll be great.

The sun is shining on Tomorrow..

Looking out at Little Mountain

Rob looking out

Our ocean view

Look at that cutie face..

Breakfast Fix

2006-03-05T10:39:00.000-08:00

Mmmm, a big and greasy breakfast can make anyone feel better.. And that is what I am solely relying on today. Kind of ridiculous when written out and read but..so be it!

This weekend was supposed to be a scream and it was more of a yell..maybe a calling out..

My buddy Katie came to visit me and she got to see where I have been living for the last seven months. She has been to the island before but not with me living on it. She enjoyed herself I think. She got to meet some of our friends that we've made. It made me realize that Rob and I do have more friends than we thought. Yah us. Rob's buddy from T.B was visiting for the night as well and Erin's friend Amanda AKA our new roomy arrived this weekend as well. It was a full house but we love the company.

Our trip to Vic was supposed to be the highlight.. Rob got a speeding ticket for going 20 over.. That was kind of a dick move on the copper's part..but what can ya do. Then, THEN.. my car starts making a funny noise when we go to start off at red lights and what not.. After we get to that point, it is okay, but until then it's revvin' like a bitch. Sorry to Ruby, my lil' car...but she has to calm down or we won't make it home today. Oh yes, I am still in Vic at Ky and Joe's. We have to take it easy all the way home and hope for the best until we can see if any auto shops are open today.. SUNDAYS suck for car problems by the way..

Soooo, here I am waiting patiently, anticipating and dreading this shady drive home...my belly's a rumblin' because I am starved. All I can think about is my damn breaky! And so now I am told it is time to make my eggs.

Cheers!

My Shining Star *

2006-02-20T14:32:00.000-08:00

WOW

Update, Update!!

So much has gone on in my life..in the few short weeks..or even months I guess..

Where to start..

Okay, sooooooo.. in a nutshell Rob is amazing in many different ways. I love his sister like my very own.. she is too much fun and I love spending everyday with her in one way or another..

I am living with Rob and have admitted to it to everyone. I got my license switched over to a B.C license which isn't a big deal but really signifies that I am moving on with my life. On the license it has Rob's address on it.. Another big step for me..hehe.

The best is coming... AND I got a car!! Yah!! Remember when I was talking about how much I wanted my very own vehicle. Well I finally have one and it all happened so suddenly. I got a great deal on it and the car runs beautifully. It's not new but it is in fantastic shape for it's age. It runs wonderful, it's spacious and I finally have my FREEDOM!!

I am getting all of my medical coverage and everything very shortly so I don't have to worry about any of that anymore. I am just doing very well and life is certainly good.

A friend of mine at work told me that she doesn't look at life as a learning experience or .. seeing it as making mistakes and learning from them.. she said that it's our journey. We all have our own journeys that we take .. and what we do in it.. is all apart of it. And I like exactly how she worded it.. life is our own personal journey. Everything we do in it..is supposed to be done that way..

Things are all coming together and I am beginning to think that Rob is my lucky charm. Since we started seeing each other life has really come together for me. He completes my journey.

As for this weekend.... we went to Victoria to visit Kyli and Joe and it was wonderful. A success for sure. They love us, and we adore them to pieces as usual. It was a very great trip.

Me and Erin - She said she felt like a lesbian..

Us before the bar at Ky's Apartment

Me and Ky at Irish Times

Dancing ... (note the guitar...Rob's Dream Guitar)

The view's THAT way

Brother and sister..can you tell..

My Lucky Charm..

1950/02/07

2006-02-07T11:14:00.000-08:00

This would be Rudi about fifty three years ago. He was still living in Germany, shy four years of deporting to Canada on a big ass ship. Mom decided just to check out his birthday horoscope today... he would've been fifty six. And that write up is what she found. We thought that it was quite powerful...

Today is a tough day as we have a few more to re live and then, that is it for another year. I hear that each year it gets a little bit easier than the last. I also hear and feel that this year is the hardest and worst of them all. Now I have been told that we will truly grieve because we fully believe now, that he is gone. My mom phoned Rudi's mom today, and I knew that she would not be kind. Mom and Grandma have never seen eye to eye. Grandma is extremely head strong and somewhat cruel. Some German traits I guess she couldn't shake when coming over. So she wasn't very kind on the phone which made mom cry harder. The sick thing is that I knew that this would happen but I also knew mom wouldn't be satisfied until she phoned. She thought that she was doing the right thing and in a sense YES completely. But Grandma didn't see it that way and totally cut her off. Oh well..mom tried.

I haven't really spoken outloud to Rudi since he died. But recently when Rob drove me to the ocean.. just to sit and sort my thoughts.. I talked to him then. Rob went out exploring because the tide was way out. I sat in the truck and told Rudi how I felt and asked for him to please give me some kind of ANYTHING to show that he's still around. There have been a couple of tiny signs that could be shaken off as coincedense and I am patiently waiting for my major one. I need it and hope that he comes through on my request.

February 7, 1950 Rudolf Michael Wirth was born in Zeven, Germany. As you can all see he is extremely adorable..in his little leiderhaasen smiling all sweet for the picture. I didn't even know they had cameras back then. Hehe, I am only kidding. That was a little dig that I had to do on this day making fun of how old Rudi was. He loooooved that. Haha.

Today is a special day in our lives. And it will always be.

2006-02-06T15:10:00.000-08:00

Rob and I the other night...aww..so cute!

2006-02-06T15:09:00.000-08:00

Kyli and Me the other night!!